Posted by Fallsfall on January 17, 2007, at 9:15:54
In reply to Mother Stuff, posted by Daisym on January 16, 2007, at 23:04:51
Daisy,
There is an inequality between your life and your mother's expectations. You see that and she sees that. This is a fact.
You conclude that your life is not "good enough" because it is "less" than your mother's expectations. It is possible, however, to look at it a different way. What if the part that is "wrong" is not your life. What if the part that is "wrong" is her expectations? If her expectations were unreasonable, but your life was fine the same inequality would exist.
You know that she isn't a great mom (and I quote: "I've managed to hang on to my need to be a great mom, while this is not a high priority for her"). What if one of her failings was her inability to have appropriate expectations for you? What if one of her failings is an inability to see that you are a different person than she is - that you have different goals and a different role to play in this life than she did?
You can't "live up" to her expectations because her expectations aren't right for you. In fact, you don't WANT to live up to her expectations. But the problem is not with your life. The problem is that her expectations are wrong.
I know, too, too, too well, how hard it is to see a parent as being flawed. They are larger than life when we are small. And they have all the answers. And they are always right - when we are little. But at some point the playing field levels. And our parents are just as flawed as anyone else on this earth. It is OK for her to be flawed. For her to have failings. She failed you in a number of ways. She also was incredibly important to the wonderful person you have become. But she isn't perfect (even if SHE thinks she is 8^) ). It is OK for you to recognize the parts of her that aren't perfect. That doesn't mean that you don't love her, it doesn't mean that you don't respect her - it just means that you disagree. ("... it's only you and me, and we just disagree")
Reasonable people can disagree. If everyone in the world agreed on everything then the world would be in big trouble. The world needs the geek, even if he has no social skills (like my son). The world needs the therapist, even if he has no business skills (like my therapist). The world needs the entrepreneur, even though he has no patience (like my dad). The world needs the dreamer, even though he has no ambition (like my daughter's boyfriend). All of these people are valuable to the world.
Your mother doesn't realize that you are a different person from her. That you have different goals. This is HER issue. This is HER mistake. Allow her to have this issue. Accept that what she wants is not right. And love her anyway.
Love,
Falls
poster:Fallsfall
thread:723052
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/723134.html