Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on January 11, 2007, at 15:52:26
In reply to Re: You have lots of wonderfulness inside you » Llurpsie_noodle, posted by littleone on January 11, 2007, at 14:16:56
> I guess I’ve felt really concerned when I’ve read your posts about confronting your parents. I know you’ve confronted both of them, but to me it seems like you’re more focussed on your mum. Not sure if that is right, or if it is my stuff leaking through. I’m also having a real hard time remembering stuff you’ve said about all this, so I’m sorry in advance if I get things wrong here.
No problem. I focus more on my mom because my dad has dementia and amnesia. His brushes with death have made him reconsider his priorities, and he has been most apologetic for his behavior in the past. He's really difficult to talk to because he tends to obsess about details and doesn't really consider the big picture. He also has a very incomplete understanding of human emotions, beyond satisfaction and anger. I can't really teach him the vocabulary necessary to talk about my feelings at this point. Also (knowing that this sounds horrible) I just don't feel the need to be close to my dad. I don't really care if he plays a role in my future. So long as he's minimally annoying, I can tolerate his presence or absence.
My mom has always cast herself as the "good parent" and thus has built up a fortress of denial and dissociation. So, she's a tough nut to crack.
> I tend to feel distressed when I read about how hard you’re pushing your mum to go to therapy and also when I read about how quickly you seem to want to resolve all this. I feel worried that you’re setting yourself up to be hurt.I'm sorry to cause you distress and alarm. I'm doing pretty well right now, if that helps you to feel better. I think that my particular trajectory is not linear or gradual. Sometimes it's discontinuous. Like the seemingly sudden onset of intense sensorimotor flashbacks of very early memories. Like the whirlwind of memories that my bruised brain was trying to knit into a coherent story all at once.
I'm sure that part of me *IS* setting myself up to be hurt or disappointed. yep.
> It might help you to step back for a short while to consider some things. I think that when someone is confronting their parents about childhood problems or their present day relationship, it is very important to sit down by yourself and also with your T to work out exactly what you hope to gain from the confrontation. There are countless gains that people could be hoping for (eg hoping the parent will change, hoping the parent will start to fill some of the child’s unmet needs, hoping the parent will admit to things, hoping the parent will apologise, wishing for the perfect family, wanting to express rage at the parent, wanting to hurt the parent, wanting to elicit sympathy, wanting to erase the past, the list goes on and on and on).
yes, I had some homework from my T to write out some of these things. My journal entry was not very coherent. It skipped between hopes/desires and fury. Between regrets about the past, and defensive denials. I wasn't so organized. Part of me wants to make her understand _____? Part of me wants to hurt her back. Kick her when she's down. Take THAT! Part of me wants to be close to her, and to share with her the hurt in my heart. All kinds of gunk. Complex. Conflicted.
> I think it’s also important to then decide if the gain you are after is a realistic expectation. What your chances are of getting it. Whether it is a healthy gain to aim for. And very importantly, working out what it will mean to you if you do or don’t get it. I think it’s also important to try and consider all the possible responses you could get from the parent and what each of those responses would mean to you, how they would affect you.#1. I want to have my Mom be a mother to me in the future. I want her to be there with me when I have a baby, and to trust her to be a responsive grandma to my child/ren.
#3I want to be able to spend time with her without suppressing rage and frustration. It's exhausting. I wish I could enjoy her company. Other people do.
> I’m not sure if you have worked through these points with yourself and your T yet or not. But if you haven’t, it would probably be very helpful to do so.
>
> I know that with my mum, I started confronting her back in May last year. I wasn’t able to do this until I had started to understand some of the patterns we play out with each other. Understanding these patterns beforehand was invaluable because it allowed me to take healthier steps forward instead of being stuck in old ruts. When things fell of track, I could see that it was probably because I fell back into an old pattern with her.yeah, T said we're gonna have to talk about MY role in perpetuating the bad parts of this relationship. It's always easier to blame the other person than to do the hard work of changing my own behavior.
> I had to determine beforehand what I wanted to achieve by confronting her. Having this clear healthy goal up front has helped a lot. Both with devising steps towards that goal, as well as helping me cope in hard times and keep moving forward. Mum things have been very hard for me lately and I think it’s partly because I’ve lost sight of the goal. Or I’ve learnt that I had other secret goals that need addressing.
Well, all things in time? secret goals are more important right now? or perhaps foundational for the icing on the cake (satisfying relationship with your mom).
> It has been a very slow and very difficult process. There are so many things tied up in mum stuff, it raises a lot of problems for me along the way. I’ve had to learn that I can give my mum the opportunity to change, but I can’t expect her to change, or make her change. And I’ve had to learn how to be okay with that. I have to learn what she is able and capable of giving me, then I need to decide if I can be happy with that. I still have a long way to go before I even decide whether it is in my best interests to maintain a relationship with her or not. It has blown me away to learn that I can even make a choice like that. I had always thought that tolerating and being with family was a “have to” thing and it would be very very bad not to do it.I cannot put this into better words. Duty/Loyalty goes a long way when love is uncertain, but it cannot sustain a relationship forever.
> I think a really important part of this for me has been to stay focused on myself, rather than on her. Stay focused on what steps I am taking to move forward. I need to watch her, understand what she is or isn’t doing or saying, understand what’s happening between us, understand if patterns are trying to play out. But I only look at those things so I am able to focus on how I need to move forward. The only thing I can control is my own actions and reactions. Trying to control her does not help me.Yes, I don't try to control her. I may try to influence her own choices. I am disappointed when she chooses X over me. Knowing that I had FORCED her to pick me over X-- makes things empty and meaningless. Especially as concerns psychotherapy.
>
> I need to be focussed on meeting my own needs and I need to be focussed on determining what is in my best interests (as opposed to trying to fill her needs through our old patterns).
>
> I would be really interested to hear what work you’ve done so far on the points I’ve talked about above and also on your continuing journey forward. Hearing about your journey can only help me in mine. I really struggle with mum stuff and get stuck a lot.
>
I'll keep you posted. Thanks for your very thoughtful post. You have a lot of wisdom. I'm sorry if I seem cavalier or careless about this particular aspect of my life (mom-me relationship). Sarcasm and flippancy is one way I have of downplaying how important something is to me. My confrontation with my parents fell into one pattern I have which is: Pull the Tooth NOW. I didn't really think about recovery time. But I did select a time when I felt fairly stable and healthy on my part. Oops, just found out I gotta run. more later. I think.yours,
-Ll
poster:Llurpsie_Noodle
thread:720964
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/721406.html