Posted by wishingstar on January 4, 2007, at 20:56:35
Okay. I have a secret to tell that no one knows. Not even Ginny or Laurie or crazy Anne. I want to tell you all because I think it'll help me get my nerve up to tell Ginny.
I think I caused my depression myself. I do. In fact, I'm pretty sure of it.
Back a little over a year ago I had several difficult things happen in a row - a relationship problem, the death of a 7 year old I knew, etc. This triggered the return some depression in me (I'd already had one major bout a few years before) but not major suicidal depression. In about Feb, I started birth control and became MUCH more depressed. I only took that brand for one month and stopped because I knew it had caused it. Birth control does sometimes cause depression in people.
I think I was off it for a month or 2. I talked to my doctor and then started a new brand. I didnt really feel worse immediately but gradually things got worse over the next 3-4 months. I dont know if the med had anything to do with it, but it is certainly possible.
I kept taking it up until six weeks ago because I was afraid to stop it. I was afraid that if I stopped and everything was magically better that I couldnt handle that... knowing that I'd done it to myself and being in the "cycle" and not depressed anymore.
By the way, my pdoc and the docs at the hospital did know I was on it. It's in my paperwork anyway.
Well, I stopped it finally and things have defintiely not gotten better. If anything, theyre still getting worse. But what if I caused this myself? I mean, the depression may have been caused originally by the meds and now its just spiraled and so taking the meds away didnt make a difference. But maybe if I'd never taken it to begin with, I'd be fine right now. Or maybe the meds werent it at all.. but what if?
I feel like such an idiot. This is the major reason I blame myself for being depressed. No one knows that. They always tell me its a biological illness but what if that IS my fault? There's nothing I can do about that now.. but I just... ugh. I feel totally crazy and attention-seeking. I'm not trying to get attention. Really.
That's my secret.
poster:wishingstar
thread:719419
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/719419.html