Posted by wishingstar on January 4, 2007, at 15:38:53
In reply to im leaving now. so nervous. cross your fingers. (nm), posted by wishingstar on January 4, 2007, at 8:44:17
I survived! It was incredibly uncomfortable.
I could tell the minute I walked in the door that she wasnt in her normal mood. Great. She was much more somber and serious than normal. It felt very punishing. The only time I've ever seen her like that before was when she found out I'd cut myself for the first time in a long time... and obviously it was a disapproval then. It felt the same today. She said it was okay that I'd called though, although it wasnt a terribly convincing statement.
Of course we sat down and immediately she said she'd gotten my "interesting message" from last night. We talked about it and I had trouble saying what I meant... that I know how I feel, but I'm just not able to put it into words for her, even though I want to. I made sure she knew I wasnt blaming her for it. She asked for an example of things I'm not telling her that I regret not saying and I had a hard time picking out any one thing... it's not one thing sticking out in my mind. It's all the time mostly. I think she sort of got it and sort of didnt. She kept saying I'd peaked her curiousity. Hah.
I told her it'd help if she would occasionally just ask me if there was something else I wanted to say. She said that was bordering on "asking her to do the work" like Anne used to say. I didnt really mean it that way.. but I guess it is. Who knows.
At the beginning of the voicemail I'd said I was afraid to leave it because anne would have been upset with me for it. She said today she thought that was a test of her (hear that muffled!!) It really wasnt. I told her that and I think she believed me... I'm just so terrified of "getting in trouble" or doing it wrong.
We talked about why it was scary to be more vulnerable and how I'm afraid I'm going to be abandoned. This was the hardest part. I told her I'm afraid that she'll either get mad at me and I'll be "punished" (doing it wrong, etc) or the bigger one, that shell decide she cant work with me and refer me somewhere else. She reassured me that if that ever happened, we'd work through it together and shed help me get set up somewhere new. But that wasnt what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that she wont abandon me, period. She said that she very rarely refers anyone (except to pdocs) and that she didnt see it coming for me either. She also said that our relationship is a professional one and because of that it means she could have to leave sometime, like if she moved, got a new job, etc. She was very careful to tell me she is NOT planning on leaving any time soon but that she didnt want to mislead me. It might be dumb, but I'd rather be misled. Of course I know her leaving is a possibility. I just need her to reassure me that she isnt going to abandon me. I even said.. everyone I've ever trusted has left me.. that's a hugely emotional thing for me to say, so that's good.. but it was hard not getting the reassurance I wanted.
She also made a comment about how I'm over-reliant on therapy because I dont have other supports.. and I just wish shed stop saying that! It makes me pull back even further. Overreliant, to me, means back off. I know I'm highly sensitive to these little passing comments. I bet she doenst even remember saying that. It's something I want to tell her later.
At the end she said she will try to ask me if there's anything I want to add more often. Often I get so caught up in the barage of questions that I miss the chance. She said it's hard for her because often she makes the connections in her mind and doesnt realize we've switched topics, but she's going to try. Thats good. She also said that I can bring in a paper with things I want to talk about and give it to her at the beginning of sessions if it's too hard to say. I asked if she'd be willing to ask me for it, because I'm afraid it'd never leave my purse. She said she will. I'm going to try to take her up on that next week. She also said I could call like I did or send an email (I forgot to get the email address) but she didnt sound thrilled with that to me.
She also expressed concerns about me having any contact with Laurie. I only talk to her maybe once every 6 weeks, and for like 10 minutes. Ginny said she doesnt want to tell me not to have contact with her because shes been in my life for so long, but it's a concern because I'm in contact with 2 therapists. I dont really see my contact with Laurie as "therapy" though. So that didnt make me feel good either.
So I guess it was a mixed experience. I know I listed tons of not-so-great things but all in all, I did leave feeling a lot more heard than I usually do. I felt like she got a lot of it. In that sense I feel good and hopeful that we're moving in a better direction. I am going to try to be more open and she is going to try to slow down and let me say what I need to say. But I also really feel like she's unsafe and I need to pull away from her even harder.. not because "she knows" now but because of some of the comments listed above. I think shes getting frustrated and I just cant do it. I dont get to see her this Tues because shes out of the office so I'll go back next Thurs. I'm going to try to write some of this down before I go back so we can talk about it more.
I'm wondering if she's right and I should just switch. She mentioned it before christmas and again today. But really, I think this is my issue and I'm afraid it'd just follow me.
I really am trying.
poster:wishingstar
thread:718579
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/719341.html