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Re: My Mom is RESISTING **suicide abuse triggers** » muffled

Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 6, 2006, at 9:25:22

In reply to Re: My Mom is RESISTING **suicide abuse triggers***** » LlurpsieBlossom, posted by muffled on December 6, 2006, at 0:50:52


>
> **Who loves you?

I'm sorry if I wasn't clear about that. My mom LOVES ME. definitely. and I LOVE HER. definitely.
That's why she called me up. That's why I stuck with her during this impossible conversation.

> Li, I REALLY don't mean to seem harsh, but as a mother this post really was hard to read. Its seems like you mom does care from what I have read.
> Its sounds quite possible that there was/is mental illness involved.

yes

> Your Mom is human.
> She screwed up big time. You got really damaged.
> Why didn't she do more? Was it because she don't like you? Was it deliberate cruelty on her part?

nope not deliberate. I do not believe that she is a cruel person. I have made excuses for her behavior for a very long time. I know what the excuses are.

> I dunno, but next thing, it gonna be your Mom that breaks...
> Just wanted you to see the other side of the coin...

I know muffled. I told my T that. She said it might cause a crisis. That mom might have a really hard time. My Mom is tough, though. She's been through a lot. That's why I spent the last 20 mins of the phone conversation trying to convince her to see a T. I think I was succssful. She said that I did a good job motivating her.

> And not to depend too much on your Moms reaction..
> Cuz there's lots who don't have Moms, or Moms who would be willing to try and talk about it at all.
> So I don't think you NEED your Mom to heal yourself is what I am trying say.

You're absolutely right, muffled. I do not NEED my mom. I do not need her reaction. But I cannot see us being close in the future if we don't go through this stuff together. Otherwise we're just going to drift apart. We have no emotional intimacy (at least not until the last 5 days...)

> Just be careful Li.
> Its all so hard.
> Dammit, wish things could be different.
> Take it slow Li.
> This is such big stuff.
> Guess the seroquel is keeping you settled a bit.
> I'da flipped out by now.

Yep, I'm pretty settled. ((((seroquel)))) I got klonopin too. it makes me super sleepy though. I might just be forced to get a latte on the way to work this am. I couldn't get up until 9am. ugh.


> I have not a CLUE as to what you do with the rage.

My mom has some emotions. She has sadness (I don't really get in touch with that one very often. too hurty.) And I was able to get angry with her last night. I got really mad because she kept on going around in circles. I know that she heard the anger in my voice too.

And she got mad at me sometimes, because I'm giving her a hard time about stuff she doesn't even remember. poor Mom. poor Llurpsie.

> If you find out, let me know.
> I don't hate my Ma. I just pity her :(
> It all sucks.
> But hang in there.
> Emotions are signposts thats telling us somethings going on. They pass.
> (((((((((LI)))))))))))))
> :(
> Muffled


thanks muffled. I'm sorry that this post was hard to read as a mom. I think that you seeing a T is SOOOO much better than just sweeping all the stuff under the rug and smiling and pretending it's all right. You're doing the right thing. My family is kind of "out there" if you haven't noticed already. Try not to draw comparisons.

Also, I told my mom this last night, and I'll tell you now too. Llurpsie has a lot of really good qualities. I'm halfway decent at punctuation, for example, and I know how to make muffins. All my good qualities speak to the fact that I had a loving mother, and a childhood that allowed me to achieve a lot of things. It could not have all been horrible, because I'm not a 100% horrible outcome. I'm halfway decent, perhaps.

thanks for hugs.
-ll


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poster:LlurpsieBlossom thread:710023
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061123/msgs/710828.html