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day 2... i went (v. long)

Posted by wishingstar on October 31, 2006, at 20:53:47

In reply to Re: partial hosp day 1 wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on October 31, 2006, at 7:15:25

I decided to go this morning. Last night, I had completely convinced myself I wasnt going. I woke up this morning feeling worse than I have in a few weeks.. physically just unable to get out of bed. Stayed in bed until about 30 min before time for partial.. got up, got my phone, started to dial Randys number to say I wasnt coming, and stopped. I was really torn. So I decided to go in try to catch him in his office before group started. It was a long debate with myself but I wont go into all the details.

I got there and he wasnt in his office. Turns out he came in late today.. of course! So he didnt even lead morning group like he usually does. It was another therapist who I know a little bit, but not as well as Randy. They make each of us speak, so I just said I'd had a bad night/morning and almost didnt come. They asked why and I told them what I wrote here.. that I just dont think I'm willing to open up and if I'm not, theres no use in my being there. They basically just said I could talk to Randy later and left it at that.

In afternoon group, I told Randy the same thing. He said he sensed yesterday that there was a lot of emotion (fighting back tears) and then anger later on. How he saw this I dont know.. hes amazing with that. I told him the same thing I wrote above about opening up and how I shouldnt be there, and he paused for a minute.. and you know what he said? He said "bullsh*t". I guess I looked surprised because he goes (and this is my favorite therapy quote to date) "..and thats a therapeutic bullsh*t, not a mean bullsh*t". haha! He had me tell everyone briefly what happened with Anne and said it makes sense I dont want to open up. It's a slow process. But I feel like that sort of contradicts some of what he said yesterday. Maybe I took what he said yesterday too far.. I'm really not sure.. but yesterday it sure felt like he was saying he couldnt help me if I wouldnt open up and stop being so defensive. 9 people is just too much. I just want Ginny. I'm not even attached to her yet too much, but she feels so much safer right now. I see her Thursday.

I'm still feeling very guarded. Very scared. I want my mommy (figuratively) and to be taken care of. I'm tired of being so alone. And a new feeling has surfaced for me - anger. I feel angry and defensive and like screaming "leave me the heck alone!!" to everyone who is trying to get me to talk. But overall, I guess it was good I went today. I dont necessairly feel any better or like I accomplished much, but I guess its a start.

Possible SI trigger here...

I did get triggered badly today at one point in the afternoon. There is a new guy who has cut up his arm, not too severly but enough. I have a history of SI and have really been fighting the urges recently. Aside from the day I got admitted last week, I havent SIed since January or so though. Today after mentioning his problem with it, the guy rolled up his sleeves to show the counselor, and left them up for a good hour. I was looking straight at him when he did it. I wasnt expecting it and saw it before I realized what was happening. Then I couldnt look away. Ever since I have had this incredible urge to cut again. His cuts were just like the way I used to do it (location, severity, etc). I know I reacted visibly so I hope he doesnt think I was grossed out, but wow. I talked to Randy about it after partial ended for the day.. I didnt want to mention it during group because I didnt want the guy to feel bad. Randy gave me a neat idea to resist the urge though and its pretty helpful. If anyone is interested let me know and I'll share it. Tomorrow I am going to be more careful with where I put my eyes.

I feel like I'm telling a story rather than saying anything substantial, but I remember last time I was in partial some people on here saying they were interested, so just in case, here it is. I hope it's not bothering anyone. Of course you can always skip over it if it is. Thanks everyone for your encouraging responses from last nights breakdown.




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