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Re: I can't stand that word. (**abuse triggers**)

Posted by ElaineM on October 31, 2006, at 13:35:45

In reply to Re: I can't stand that word. (**abuse triggers**) » Lindenblüte, posted by Daisym on October 31, 2006, at 10:30:19

That was a really intense post Li. I think I can understand a little. I've always felt embarassed of my word aversions. I can't even type some of them out (but Daisy and Bent listed perhaps my hugest one). I even use the same "_ - word" replacement if I ever have to refer to the subject. Though I tend to make sure that I don't. [Bent, I really felt less alone to hear that you think of the word that way too] But I definately find it difficult to hear and use the word "abuse" (like others who have posted) when it's connected to me - or my sister, oddly enough. It seems alright when applied to anyone else. Maybe I think the word implies some sort justification that I don't think I merit. I'm not sure. Justification might be the wrong word too, I can't get my mind to think better.

One other word that I can't stand is "beat". I kinda even just shivered typing it. It just makes my head go fuzzy-blank -- a vacuum-like feeling. Once T said, "...mercilessly b-ing you..." and I told him to stop it. Though I also have a hard time tolerating this word in any context. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I always wonder if they'll ever just be regular words for me, at some point. I wonder if the feeling towards them fades. I've found it hard to even read some of them in texts from school. I'd feel like certain parts were written about me specifically, and get all nervous that someone had found stuff out and wrote a book. WHen we'd be reading along I'd feel like I wanted to look over my shoulder to see if anyone was staring at me or something. I can't understand how there are some difficult words that apply to me, that don't bother as much (even if I have very strong feelings about the acts themselves, "self-mutilation" for one), and then others that I can't even write out.

I'm glad you brought it up.
blove, EL




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