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I can't stand that word. (**abuse triggers**)

Posted by Lindenblüte on October 31, 2006, at 9:49:39

The hardest words for me to hear?

"You were abused"

"You grew up in an abusive household"

"Your family was abusive"

"This is very typical for people with a history of abuse"

"Your father probably didn't understand that he was being abusive"

"You are starting to understand the effects of abuse"

"You were abused"

"child abuse"

"You were abused"

"You survived abuse"

"You were abused"

I resist with all my strength. Everytime I hear the word. I react in my gut. Aversion, abhorrence, repugnance.

Am I reacting to the abstract notion that humans abuse each other?

Am I reacting to an outsider's accusal of a "loved one"?

Am I reacting to the injustice of how someone treated ME?

Am I reacting because abuse-survivor is not part of my self-concept?


yes, yes, yes. yes.

1. It is a terrible truth that humans intentionally and unintentionally hurt each other, even when the other person is helpless.

2. It is possible for an outsider, like a therapist, or my husband, to understand my family better than I understand them. They were never brainwashed, as I was.

3. They hurt me. It was intentional, and unintentional. It was chronic, and unpredictable. It was intense at times, and barely noticeable at other times. They hurt the physical, spiritual, emotional, mental and sexual aspects of my self. It happened when I was too young to understand, and it happened when I was too dependent to run away. It happened when I was too underdeveloped to understand, and it happened when I was too brainwashed to understand. They continue to hurt me as long as they are allowed access to my self. When I stop hurting me, they will stop hurting me. Until then, I am abused.

4. I cannot understand it if I cannot feel it. I cannot feel it unless I admit that it happened. I cannot admit that it happened unless I have a memory of the past that I can feel. (loop) A large part of my motivation comes from an unconscious will to escape abuse. Some of the things I've accomplished with that motivation are admirable, some of the things I've done are not worth mentioning. My history belongs to my self. The good parts, the bad parts, and everything in between. Karma: the universal law of cause and effect. Their actions ON me are internalized IN me, but those actions are NOT me. They affect me, but they are NOT me.


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poster:Lindenblüte thread:699274
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061026/msgs/699274.html