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Thots****trigger**** » Lindenblüte

Posted by muffled on October 28, 2006, at 23:09:19

In reply to Re: Abusers- Lick my Heine! ****trigger, if you wa » muffled, posted by Lindenblüte on October 28, 2006, at 9:56:34

> I'm still at a very strange place where feelings are not much a part of my experience. Only a little shadow here and there. Fleeting. Whenever I go examine more closely. I want to be in touch with it. I want to be at that place where I can have the anger you express above. I was able to talk about one of the betrayals a bit with my husband last night over dinner.

***Y'know, I think they will come when your ready.
They are too much for now proly.
You were very extreemly badly betrayed and hurt.
And it went on.
For me its a touch of emot...then I run away.
Touch, run away. Sort of getting used to it. A touch at a time.
> Husband said something off-hand to the effect that he respects my dad for having kept his end of the bargain. (It's concerning a very large expense-- my education) Dad had agreed to pay half of it, and he did (AFTER several very long tense confrontations with documents and calculations and written argument.

> But what I had to explain to my husband was that this was a deal that I made with the devil. (Like Faust, only I wasn't so informed when giving my consent). I had to explain to my husband that the deal took place behind a closed and locked door, and that I was a minor, and I was explicitely told "you cannot ever tell your Mother, because if you do, she will get upset and we won't be able to take out a loan, and you won't be able to go to college." I believed him too. My mother didn't find out until it was too late and 25,000 dollars had been lost to my father's insanity, compounding interest and my naivete.

***Sigh. Dads are supposed to be Dads. Your 'father', it would seem, is a sick and twisted man.
Your Ma found out bout the loan, but not the other stuff though?
Doesn't she wonder, even a bit?
> Am I angry? yes. at who? me, mostly. for ignoring the obvious. for ignoring my instinct that this arrangement was sinister. for being too lazy and secure that my father had my best interests in mind to actually examine the numbers.

***Honey, he messed w/you from what I gather, for awhile. You never had a 'normal' father. How would you know? Noone taught you. It was your 'father', an ADULT for crying out loud. It was HIS responsibility in every way. A great many parents out there support their childrens further education if they are able to in some way, so why shouldn't your 'father'.
Besides, its mere money. The money means sh*t compared to other ways he betrayed you.
> But the truth is that I'm not really feeling the anger. I don't know how to feel that kind of anger when there's nothing to direct it towards. The man is "Elend" as Racer's Heine poem below describes. The loans have been moved to a more secure lender. The crisis is over. I have no more deals with the devil.

***What do you mean there is nowhere to direct your anger?
Anger is an emotion, telling you somethings wrong.
You were hurt. You buried it, but it didn't go away.
I'm not sure what you supposed to do next?
But somehow...somehow...I dunno, but, oh hell, mebbe someone knows?
> Instead of feeling vindicated, I feel guilty. Stupid. Naive. I should have told my mom sooner. Too many should-ofs.

***Li did the best she knew how at the time.
Did Li TRY to be bad?
Did Li consciously say I'm gonna be bad and hurt people?
Mebbe Li just was confused, lost, and just did the best she knew how.
Mebbe she was trying to protect her mom.
Keep the peace.
Just like she'd been taught all her life.
My take is admiration, for Li, for keeping on, keeping on. Not giving up. Trying to better herself.
Taking on so much on her own shoulders to protect others.
Mebbe I out to lunch. I often am. But the Li I see here on Babble, the Li that her husband loves, well, THAT Li is a good person. And thats what I see.
I think your an amazing person.

**There's this young street person I have seen around on the street and at the drop in place.
She breaks my heart.
Her eyes. Beautiful sweet...
tortured eyes.
Last week I saw her. Not looking good.
If she don't get help she not gonna last.
She was betrayed, badly. I dunno how, but I can see it in her eyes. The little girl who trusted, and got so badly hurt.
Its hard. Its so hard.
I dunno why this sh*t happens.
But I DO know, that ones who survive, are so much stronger, better, than they ever could have been w/o it.
They have a depth of knowledge and compassion that can only be known by those who have suffered.
And that being so, they have MUCH to offer the world.
So keep on Li.
I think your doing all the right things.
You cannot just barf, or disgorge, or cut your belly and spill, all the bad inside. Its too much.
Little bits at a time. IMO anyways.

**The thing w/ 'people' inside, well, they good, cuz they hold the bad stuff.
See, my insdie kid, the one that hurts, SHE hurts. NOT me. SHE was hurt. NOT me.
So I figger, I'll go into full scientist mode, have protection(toughie&nasty) at the ready, and THEN, maybe then, I will let myself feel what SHE (NOT I) feels.
And I can be sad for HER.
D'ya get what I'm getting at?

***And when all my 'people' are silent, not talking, hiding.
Thats when I am an empty shell. And I wonder who this shell is? And what my purpose is. Cuz I just a shell w/o my 'people'.....
Random thots in the hope that something strikes something for you sometime and can be useful.
Your gonna get there.
Take care




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