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Re: Abusers- Lick my Heine! ****trigger, if you wa » muffled

Posted by Lindenblüte on October 28, 2006, at 9:56:34

In reply to Re: Abusers- Lick my Heine! ****trigger, if you wanna* » Lindenblüte, posted by muffled on October 27, 2006, at 23:48:13

> I could say alot. But i'd have to bypass the auto asterisk...
> sh*t.
> So alls I can do is
> (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Li))))))))))))))))))))))))
> F*cking right it sucks.
> Its b*llshit.
> Take care,
> Muffled

Hi Muffled,
I'm still at a very strange place where feelings are not much a part of my experience. Only a little shadow here and there. Fleeting. Whenever I go examine more closely. I want to be in touch with it. I want to be at that place where I can have the anger you express above. I was able to talk about one of the betrayals a bit with my husband last night over dinner.

Husband said something off-hand to the effect that he respects my dad for having kept his end of the bargain. (It's concerning a very large expense-- my education) Dad had agreed to pay half of it, and he did (AFTER several very long tense confrontations with documents and calculations and written argument.

But what I had to explain to my husband was that this was a deal that I made with the devil. (Like Faust, only I wasn't so informed when giving my consent). I had to explain to my husband that the deal took place behind a closed and locked door, and that I was a minor, and I was explicitely told "you cannot ever tell your Mother, because if you do, she will get upset and we won't be able to take out a loan, and you won't be able to go to college." I believed him too. My mother didn't find out until it was too late and 25,000 dollars had been lost to my father's insanity, compounding interest and my naivete.

Am I angry? yes. at who? me, mostly. for ignoring the obvious. for ignoring my instinct that this arrangement was sinister. for being too lazy and secure that my father had my best interests in mind to actually examine the numbers.

But the truth is that I'm not really feeling the anger. I don't know how to feel that kind of anger when there's nothing to direct it towards. The man is "Elend" as Racer's Heine poem below describes. The loans have been moved to a more secure lender. The crisis is over. I have no more deals with the devil.

Instead of feeling vindicated, I feel guilty. Stupid. Naive. I should have told my mom sooner. Too many should-ofs.




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