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Re: ok-Mebbe this will help others too... » Lindenblüte

Posted by muffled on October 23, 2006, at 23:42:09

In reply to Re: ok-Mebbe this will help others too... » muffled, posted by Lindenblüte on October 23, 2006, at 18:26:41

> Well, that onset of teenagerhood was a very interesting time point. I felt more power and independence that year (9th grade) than I would at any other time until I left home. probably b/c my older bro was inpatient and at another school. I was on my own- free to forge my own friendships, wear ridiculous clothes, and be bolder than usual.

***That must have been wonderful :-)
> I'm a very timid lindenblossom, in general, particularly when I'm wilting in the sunshine or tempest of my older bro's bipoles.

***That must have been very hard :-(
> I had control over Pandora. Her behavior surprised me, and later I had regrets, but in the moment, I felt like I was justified in breaking rules and being rowdy- to a point. I never allowed myself to lose control over my body or mind via drugs or alcohol.

***No, I rarely did either. Lose control. Very careful. Had it down to a science I did. Which isn't to say I didn't do incredibly stupid things, but "I" was seemingly always safe? Its a wonder to me really. A miracle. I had very risky behavior.
> Now, I understand why I always WISHED to lose control, but never allowed myself to be reckless in the direction of losing control over my body.

**Why did you wish to lose control? I never wished to lose control. I just wished to be numb.
> Even in college, when I did some pretty heavy binge drinking, I always stopped short of losing power of observing who was a potential danger and keeping my distance.

***Its a gift I think sometimes. Being able to stay safe.
Something to do with hypervigilance. Something to do with ooozing Rage out the very pores of your body, like an aura about you. Something with being able to brazen your way out of ANYthing. Odd really. I am only 5'1" and at that timed weighed proly 110 lbs. max. Very odd.
> This is a different topic. I might start a thread on when I get a moment to gather my thoughts.

***Yeah, I find Li very interesting :-)
I am in scientist mode !!!
> Muff- I talked to my T today about intimacy following separation. She had some interesting suggestions: think about the part that makes me the most anxious. Think about a way that I can 'set the scene' and be the one who is making a decision about how when where it happens. She had some suggestions, which was kind of funny, hearing from a woman who is older than my mom! I think I might have giggled at one point. good gracious gassiness- sex is so strange sometimes...

**ALL of it makes me anxious :-(
Ya, its always been better if I attack him and try to make light of it. Though sometimes I just implode into myself, dissociate, and get it over with asap.
If he tries to make the moves, NO WAY.
LOL, it must have been weird all right.
Sex is...alot of things...alot of bad things.
Including highly undignified!!!LOL.
Thx. Li :-)




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