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Re: connection with T?

Posted by Racer on October 21, 2006, at 21:19:48

In reply to Re: connection with T? sunnydays, posted by bent on October 21, 2006, at 16:40:00

I get it, too. For me, it seems to come as part of a continuing cycle: I'll go through periods of very intense work, with lots of crying, lots of anxiety, lots of inner turmoil -- finally some sort of resolution of it -- a short period of calm with more superficial but still beneficial sessions -- disconnection, which always leaves me wondering what's wrong with me -- and then I go back to the beginning. The biggest difference is that the cycles are a bit different in terms of length now: used to be the first part lasted longest; a year and a half later, there's a bit more balance between the horrors and the resolutions.

No matter how often it happens, though, that I hit that disconnection phase, I still wonder what's wrong with me? Why can't I maintain that sense of connection with my T? I think that what's really happening is something different. I think I'm resisting the connection, because I'm just not very good at intimacy -- and there's an element of intimacy to therapy, after all. I think I reach a place where I've never been any farther, so I am frightened to proceed, and it's coinciding with the fatigue and catharsis of that crisis/resolution phase. So, I suck back.

Connection is a topic in therapy when I go into bad patches in my life. I've called my T for help outside of sessions about four times -- and every single time it's been upsetting for me, with all sorts of negative self-talk types things going on. "You could have waited for your next session, you know." "That really wasn't important enough to call about." "She'll be annoyed that you called, and tell you that it could have waited until your next session." (There was only once that I didn't go through that -- something happened that I couldn't understand, and I called her because I needed the contact, even if it was only voicemail.) My T has told me several times that it's OK to call and leave messages, that she likes getting voicemail because she can choose when she listens to it, that she would consider it a good thing for me to call, etc. And yet, I still do the above. (I just incorporate some new things, like: "Well, she said to call, but this might be abusing it by calling too often...") I think some of the disconnect is because I'm getting to feeling too connected at those times.

Of course, it could just be that I'm completely failing this therapy thing, but I don't think that's it ;-)

I hope that helps. It really does always seem to pass for me...




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