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Could be worse -- could be raining (Got longer) » gardenergirl

Posted by Racer on October 21, 2006, at 1:48:44

In reply to More. And more. Wound up long, posted by gardenergirl on October 20, 2006, at 23:07:58

> So here's the thing as I've got it figured out so far (thanks in part to a special redheaded woman's patience, caring, and wisdom).

If she's reading this, I'll bet she's feeling pretty special right now. What a sweet thing to say.

God, I hate hate hate recurrent depression. The recurrent part in and of itself is depressing.

I do know something you might find worse, though: the new pdoc I saw this week -- guess it's the week for it, huh? -- told me he really isn't sure that I have recurrent depression at all.

He thinks it might be chronic depression, possibly chronic double depression. Talk about emulating a Hoover!

But you're right -- it's horrible to think in terms of having what is likely a lifelong disease, whether it's mental or only physical. (See? ;-) We can turn the tables on those who would dismiss our conditions.) What I found hardest with the arthritis was adjusting my self-image to someone whose joints were being destroyed. It's hard to incorporate these things into our self-concepts, even without the sort of stigma that can be attached to mental illnesses.

> I liked him. I felt heard and understood. I felt validated. He had suggestions for med changes, which is good, though I'm having all kinds of freak outs about it.

Funny -- I had a panic attack, too, despite some positive things about the guy I saw. And it was over meds, too.

Here's a question for you to think about: you've had a whole lot of things coming at you for a while now: an invalidating pdoc, approaching termination, the lamictal stuff, all the things going on in the rest of your life. Do you think that you might have been stressed to the point that the meds suggestions acted as foci for those stresses? And that the freak out is partly that steam forcing its way out? Just a suggestion of something to think about...

> The other part is that he said that changing more than one variable at a time makes it difficult to figure out what's effecting what.

And that's GOOD. You know my bias, but that's a good thing, despite any possible delay with getting full relief. I won't say more.

And given how painful termination has been, ... you'd think that would feel like a big relief. That I'd feel happy about it, or at least good about. I feel sort of numb. In fact, I didn't even give him an answer about it, but instead said that we didn't have to make any decisions about it just then. I did say that I didn't know what else we'd talk about.

Wow, almost seems as though you might be depressed...

Actually, what it sounds like to me is that you had already triggered all your emotional action potentials, and you were still in the refractory period. Does that feel right to you?

> God, I hate this. And I hate that I'll always have depression to some extent. It's always going to be lurking, and I could have another depressive episode even if I'm doing "everything right."

Yep. It does feel kinda hopeless when you look at it that way, and it's easy to want to shake your fist and curse whatever brute and blackguard made the world.

So, do it! Even go outside and scream it if you have to. It really is OK -- you will not be struck down by the whirlwind on the spot. Get all that built up energy about it out -- and then see how you feel.

> This must be similar to what my husband faces each day in dealing with his Type I diabetes. Which sucks.
> Feeling very blue, very negative, and very pitiful right now....
> gg

You're feeling all those bad things -- do you also feel loved? Is a certain small female helping? A certain husband? A certain friend? A certain mailman? (Whoops! I hope not on the last one ;-P )




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