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Re: Meeting a nurturing/mothering need

Posted by littleone on October 18, 2006, at 20:31:26

In reply to Re: Meeting a nurturing/mothering need, posted by littleone on October 17, 2006, at 21:51:06

Thank you for all your thoughts. Each time I try to respond to everyone individually, I close up shop and want to run and hide, so itís a bit safer if I respond to everyone all at once today. Please know that all your posts held valuable information for me and all were appreciated.

I do believe that my T partly meets these needs. He brings a lot of these positive mothering qualities to our relationship. A lot, but not all. I guess Iím wary about counting on him for this too much. It would be too easy and wonderful to turn each session into a mothering exercise. But I donít think that would be helpful. I think that would then get in the way of doing the hard work of therapy.

I think this was part of what I was looking for in my art T. A separate person I could hire to mother me on a regular basis. I didnít really want the art T for his insights, etc. I wanted him to be caring and encouraging and get on the floor with me and help me draw and be real interested in me and what I was doing.

I think I still prefer the idea of paying someone to do this rather than ask an aunty or my mum. I have a big issue around not wanting to be a bother to people. I think that would get in the way of things if I involved my aunty or mum, cause me to pull back. If Iím paying someone, I still feel like a bother, but figure Iím paying them to put up with me so itís kind of okay as long as I donít push my luck.

But in a way thatís kind of a shame really. My mum has been trying really hard to improve things between us. She wants things to be better. But itís just not working for me because sheís interacting with the adult. So it would be real nice if my own mother did the mothering instead.

Nice but bad. Nice but bad. Think it would be much safer to hire someone.

Li, my mum has never been a hugger, but all of a sudden about 2 years ago, she just started hugging other people and me. Iím still not used to it. Throws me right off balance every time. Kind of freaks me out a bit. I canít enjoy it yet. Even though your mumís hugs donít come often, Iím glad they bring you such good things.

Muffled, I think unconditional acceptance is part of it, but thereís still more too it. For me, I feel like being encouraged is a really big deal. Like I need someone to help me along.

I guess I can see that self soothing would meet these nurturing needs to a degree. The way itís accepting and caring for the parts. And trying to make things safer for them. I just donít think Iím able to take the nurturing far enough.

Frida, daisy & anneke, itís great that you guys have a safe adult who helps you with this. That kind of astounds me. I tend to think the other person would be resentful of having to take on a mothering role when they arenít your mother. And yet that doesnít seem to be the case at all in your examples. Blows me away.

I guess another worry about going to an aunty or my mum is that I suspect reading a story or whatever once or twice wouldnít be enough. Itís something that would have to happen for some time, isnít it? I guess until you could internalise it? I donít know. When you go to your safe people and have this need met, is it then satisfied for some time, or does it just make you want it again even more?

And daisy, I love the super-needy super-hero. What a wonderful idea. So I take it the super-hero is a separate character that shows you whatís ok and is someone you can kind of aim to imitate? Or is it actually a character inside you? Iíd love to hear how this has been brought into your sessions (eg is it someone you both work on visualising, or do you draw the superhero). I guess Iím asking how your T brings the superhero to life and incorporates it into your sessions.

Also, Iíd love to hear more about how you are able to ask your friend for support. You said it took FOREVER to be able to do that (I can definitely relate to that). How did you work up to it, how did you first ask her, how did she react, etc? Asking for support has been totally beyond me so far. I wonít even call my T between sessions.

Madeline, yeah, I think you hit the nail on the head. Develop empathy for myself. I liked your questions and how you made lists around them. It feels very scary for me which means itís probably real important. Especially the bored part. Thatís a big trigger from my childhood. I think itís closely linked to my need for encouragement. I think I need to do some important work with my T around this.

Mind you, I think Iíll have to mindful of not just putting in ďdoingĒ things in my lists. Iíll have to work hard to try and put in ďtalkingĒ stuff in there. Try and build that up a bit.

Thank you all for letting me talk through this. I had been so worried babble would criticise me and my T for trying to work out ways to meet this need. Thought it was wrong and bad to attempt to meet it. Youíve all helped me a lot.

 

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