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Re: Meeting a nurturing/mothering need » littleone

Posted by Anneke06 on October 18, 2006, at 10:12:07

In reply to Meeting a nurturing/mothering need, posted by littleone on October 17, 2006, at 15:26:05

This is something I've worked on a lot in therapy and in life. My mom was so un-nurturing (is that a word?)...I don't have any memory of her hugging me or holding me or saying anything emotionally caring. And I was made to feel bad for wanting it.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I've found that there are multiple ways to fill those needs. My T is one of the very touch-oriented t's and that's been great for me. She has held me when I cried, hugs me often, and sees the need for being held as one that is very valid and important to be met by people we can trust.

That's the tough part, in my experience. Figuring out who we can trust and making the leap to sharing our needs with them. I was blessed with a friend who is about my mom's age who knew me as a child/teenager, and who was always very sweet and caring towards me. At a point in my therapy, I wrote to her (we had been in touch sporadically over the years) and told her things that were going on in my life when she knew me, including some CSA. I told her that I needed someone who knew me during that time to KNOW what was going on. She responded in ways that have been so healing for me and we've since gotten together in person and there is always time for hugging and holding and loving that little girl. She even sends me little things just for the little girl part of me. (and I'm in my forties...) It's sweet and lovely and has helped me get some of those early, early needs met.

That being said, I had prepared myself for the possibility that she might have responded in a very different way and I knew that I had my therapist there just in case that happened. (although I was fairly sure it would be a good response....I was really careful about who I chose to share this info with) And, in fact I had shared it with another person who never responded and that was kind of awful-feeling.

I guess this was a long way of saying that I think it IS possible to get some of those nurturing/mothering needs met as an adult. But, I also think it's important to find ways to mother yourself. Like some of the other responders, I've worked a lot on recognizing when my little girl needs me to stop and listen to her or spend time with her or when she just needs a cup of hot chocolate! It felt strange and weird and sometimes just plain wrong at times, but now it's becoming second nature and it really, really helps.

Hang in there...those early needs can be incredibly strong and painful and my little girl says, "really, really yucky"




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