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Re: Meeting a nurturing/mothering need

Posted by madeline on October 18, 2006, at 8:03:52

In reply to Re: Meeting a nurturing/mothering need, posted by littleone on October 17, 2006, at 21:51:06

> I guess I see the nurturing/mothering need different to that. I guess nurturing/mothering is the behaviour and the actual needs met would be the need to feel loved, the need to feel accepted, the need to feel a sense of belonging and others that I'm having trouble articulating.
> I'm not really sure that you can get those things from self soothing.
> And I have a lot of trouble mothering myself. Maybe because it wasn't demonstrated to me. I can organise things so that the young parts are able to do young things they enjoy and find helpful. But I can't really nurture them as such. I just don't know how to do that. I don't know how to talk to them (or anyone for that matter) in a nurturing and compassionate way.

****I think the key here is developing empathy for yourself and that is hard. Deep down I'm sure you do know how to do this, you just probably can't communicate what you need to yourself. While I was developing this skill, I focused first on the basic things: Do I feel safe? What would it take to make me feel safe? Do I have enough to eat? Is it the right stuff to eat? Am I physically comfortable? What would it take to make me that way? Am I bored? What would I find stimulating?
I made lists, practiced a lot of trial and error and finally found a way to satisfy those basic needs (food, safety, comfort, activity) that worked for me.

When you think about it, this is exactly what a mother does when confronted with a crying baby - she has to try several things before she figures out what is wrong. But the basic things are usually the culprit.

Once I got these basic needs settled, I could then tackle the bigger issues of acceptance etc...

> I'm sure you guys would be able to see that from the way I post here.

****In all likelihood, we won't know anything until you tell us. It's not that we are bad people, it just that we won't know. Being able to effectively communicate what you need is so important. Thank you for letting us know.*******

>I think that's one of the broken things inside me.
**** I'm not sure it is broken (implying is once worked and now doesn't), it might have never been there in the first place and you know what? That's okay. That means you get to make it into exactly what you want it to be.




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