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Emotional Labililty Liability **SI trigger**

Posted by Lindenblüte on October 16, 2006, at 19:48:18

I am emotionally labile at the moment.

The bus driver pissed me off. I felt so f*cking pissed.

But I sat there on the bus. calm on the outside. hardly noticing anything. dissociating? I guess so? tunnel vision. Just thinking of my rage. Within 5 blocks, rage was joined by depression. Depression that I'm not even worth the damn bus driver to pick me up, because I don't fit the correct racial profile to ride my bus (the one I ALWAYS take) home. Really looking forward to getting home, so that I can mutilate myself.

I'm so overwhelmed with work in the last 4 days. I am getting ready to go out of town, and to a conference, and I have a week's worth of meetings in 2 days, and I have to present different stuff at 4 meetings. and I have pdoc and T also. I'm a ticking time bomb. and I have nothing better to do than think about the best way to get my f*cking mind to shut the f*ck up.

so... I quietly reach into my backpack. as I sit on the bus and realize that my anger and rage and sadness and lack of self-worth is making me want to cease to exist in this world. I pull out a yellow pill. you know the one. generic clonazepam. and I let it dissolve in my mouth. I'm not sure what this is going to do, but maybe it will keep me from drawing blood.

So- what the f*ck is going on in my mind? I can tell you what's helping me keep my moods stable. One thing is my Sehnsucht playlist on my iPod. We're doing Tchaikovsky right now. Sym # 5 (2nd mvmt) Sym # 6 1st mvmt. Nutcracker Act II Pas de deux a: Intrada. Perhaps I can't help myself, but I have to listen to this music. It's the most suicidal music I have ever listened to, especially the Pathetique. The Suffering. Pathos.

A steady diet of music to keep my moods stable. Only insofar as I have organized my playlist appropriately. I KNOW that I can change anytime to my "JOY" playlist, but I don't. I want to feel really dark and down. I want to cause my own suffering.

I'm so royally F*CKED. I'm never going to get ALL my work done. It's going to be half-*ssed, and I'm going to hate myself.

I better get back to work. Only 2hours and 20 minutes until I take my meds (they're going to knock me out for a full 12 hours, unfortunately my first meeting will be during those 12 hours. I hope they won't think I'm drunk, or hungover. I'm in bad trouble.

Work = keeping me sane? keeping me insane? keeping me what? I want to go away.

I HATE DEPRESSION. I HATE EMOTIONS. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE DEADLINES. I WANT TO HURT MYSELF and still appear 100% perfect tomorrow as I present my proposal for a new study to 2 professors, as I? what?

I just want to escape. Alcohol is awfully tempting, but not with benzos. I could hurt myself.

This is just a bunch of b*llshit. Just ignore me for a bit. As soon as a happy song comes on, I'll be totally changed. What's the matter with me?





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