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Re: Asked my T if she ever worked with anyone like me? » Lindenblüte

Posted by muffled on October 14, 2006, at 1:29:44

In reply to Asked my T if she ever worked with anyone like me?, posted by Lindenblüte on October 13, 2006, at 20:23:46

> She said yes, she had.

**I think that was very brave of you to ask....I haven't...
> She said that our work is going to be long-term.

***Thats not all bad. i think you are like me and can stand back and take some interest in a scientific way at ourselfs as we go thru this process...
> She said that I have many different facets of my identity that are not all in synchrony.

***I think this statement could be said of a LARGE percentage of the population...
> Some parts are very immature, and can only communicate via affect (expression of emotional states).

***Yeah, its hard cuz I just couldn't understand WHERE the emots. were comming from...
I have one aspect that I can 'SEE' strangley enough. I can't 'feel' her at all. I feel oddly removed from her. I'd 'see' her hiding under a small table, alone, crying, sometimes screaming and puking, skinny, all arms and legs.....weird eh?
> Other parts are very dominant and work pretty well- like my pleasant, bright, intelligent personality that wants to please you

***Yeah, I got a mom me..... Detached scientist me.......and so on, dunno how separate those ones are, or whether those are all just adult me? Haven't thot about it. Too busy dealing with inside and irl kids!!!
> Another part of my identity has a lot of fear.

***thats proly a kid. And Alex told me the best thing one time. When I first 'met' this kid, we fought like cats and dogs, cuz I thot she was being stupid and unreasonable, and I didn't understand her seemingly illogical responses to things. Then Alex reminded me that this kid WAS IN FACT A KID. And that being so, she was gonna behave like one. It all became SO much clearer then. Why she did the stuff she did, why she acted the way she did etc. So then I approached her as an adult speaking to a KID, and we started mending fences.....
She's a GREAT kid now. We get along well, and I am very proud of her. She's a really good helper. She's even helped me w/other inside kids!
> My default mode of interacting in a face to face conversation is to adopt a stance of extreme emotional detachment coupled with a nearly seamless layer of witty pleasantries, appropriate dialogue, and pseudo-affect.

***Yeah, I was like that mostly (unless there was another kid part around, grrrrr!) I am doing better at being more 'real', whatever that means..
> She said I'm brave.

***HA! My T says that of me I sit in the chair not making any eye contact, and fidgeting, and twitching, and occasionally curling over my knees......brave?
> Hmmm? maybe I get to have some inner children soon. That might be fun? or?

***Inner children are for me, in some ways they like my irl kids. Challenging but rewarding. It has helped me alot that I a mom, so I can 'mother' my inside kids.And funnily enough, because these kids are their own beings, I can deal with them as NOT me, they just any old kids and I treat them as I would any child (FAR better than I would ever treat myownself)
The first one I met was after praying, and she's just a baby, her name is Franchesca. I could only feel her. It was just simple, untainted, uncomplicated happy , contentedness. It was SO wonderful, cuz I loved her on the spot. She was happy, cuz for some reason I asked if she wanted a name, and when I called her Fran, she was SO happy. Pure simple happiness.
I love her.
And she is me......hmmmmmm.
I am of Franchesca, that beautiful sweet baby........
Mebbe I wasn't always tainted and bad.....
Franchesca, for all that she's but a babe, has given me SO much.......
Then there's the one I'm struggling with now......but its getting better. I think mebbe she gonna trust me to help her. The other helpful Ikid will help too, I'm sure. We haven't figgered out too much yet. Its hard to tolerate this kids enmotions for long, as they very intense.
> I think it might be a cool adventure to risk annihilation and actually reveal a real emotion at some level of depth. So far, my tears have reflected a sense of grief that I'm not able to connect with my emotions.

***I used to think that too.....
I don't anymore, and I have no idea why?
I don't...cry....don't even like that word when its connected to me. I usu. call it waterineye...
> I always have this fantasy (it's a pleasant fantasy) of me finally being able to "lose it" and just have a total and complete break-down in a session. I think it would be absolutely amazing and life-altering.

***I dunno. I get scared if I cry, that i'll get mad and do something bad... Protection will kick in...Nasty will come...Nasty operates on rage....:-(
> I see too much of myself in Bree VanDeKamp. (oh, except her forehead is much more rigid than mine)

***Dunno who she is?
> So, T says we have to work on getting these different aspects of my self to work together, rather than in opposition or in exclusion to each other. Sounds like fun huh?

***I think the BIGGEST thing in helping mine get together better, was REMEMBERING that they ARE kids(I still struggle with that sometimes...), and giving them kindness and acceptance. If their behavior was innappropriate, then I'd calmly explain what might be a better way to go about it etc. They need to know bout boundaries too.I try to be a calm, loving 'mom' type to them, they need to be heard and accepted. They needed to know that I knew that they exist and that its ok. One in particular had a THING about the fact she existed(lots of hurt feelings etc, over that one...)
> ice cream, anyone? Haagen Dazs was on sale yesterday. I got 6 pints. mmm!
**Holy poo poo. SIX pints....What flavors!!!!LOL.

But really Li. I dunno what you going thru.....
Just want you to know bout how it is for me.....and that for me its ok, these 'kids'etc.
At this point I truly mostly like my 'people'. We mostly work together quite well. Even 'Nasty', who kinda scared me(Nasty is fuelled by rage), it turns out, was just trying to protect....
Take care Li,
Hope I'm not boring you to death, I'm TRYING to reassure you.......




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