Posted by Susan47 on September 24, 2006, at 23:00:53
In reply to Re: Maddie; sorry this is really kind of long, posted by happyflower on September 11, 2006, at 21:08:49
Now that I realize how dysfunctional I've always been, the worst of me has shown itself to my mind, finally, and I understand now. And my T never would have had any kind of feelings for me other than perhaps a kind of pity or sorrow for me.
The despair of that thought could drive me to drink .. haha. But it won't, I can't allow that. I can only say that I'm almost fifty years old, FIFTY for God's sake .. (whimper) ... and just finding out I'm not alone in how I feel about myself, how I feel about other people, that I'm actually .. borderline .. Borderline Personality Disorder .. well, that's huge .. but it also means I'm hugely sensitive, and not in the selfish way but in the way that others affect me very very deeply .. and Yes that does make me crazy sometimes and Yes that makes me Extremely Vulnerable .. and yes I'm one of those extremely empathetic people, and I Do pick up on things that are not spoken but felt ..
Society's made me sick because I can't function like a "normal" person in it.But I'm not sick. And my borderline personality is NOT a diagnosis of hopelessness, or helplessness. What it Does mean, is that I'm extremely vulnerable to your moods, to your thoughts and feelings, to anyone's who is in my space ... and because of that, I get swayed .. and it also means that I cannot carry around a constant feeling of safety inside myself, and I get angry because I become frightened and I feel easily abandoned because I simply am more emotionally plastic than most people could ever understand .. and because of that, I need more supports around me than a lot of other people do. I need support, good, positive support from good, positive, loving people. And just watch me ... I can Soar.
It's finding those people that will be the most difficult task I have to face. And I don't mean finding people who will hold me up. Just people who love me, honour me, are there with their loving presence. I'm an adult. I have taken care of myself all my life. I have come this far. I have not killed myself, although I have definitely been in the pit of despair more than once.
More than once. Today, even. An hour ago .. I was there. Now, I can talk myself out of it. Because I see the value in me. I am truly a loving, valuable person. I am gaining wisdom at an exponential rate, and my most important job is to continue recognizing that.
poster:Susan47
thread:684745
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/688906.html