Posted by wishingstar on September 16, 2006, at 19:51:20
In reply to Re: and now I have no T, posted by llrrrpp on September 15, 2006, at 15:57:41
thank you for the hugs llrrrpp. I really need all the hugs I can get right now.
I'm trying very hard to believe this is an anne-issue, not a me-issue. Part of me believes it. I KNOW I'm a difficult client but I wouldnt be in therapy if I had it all together. That's why I'm there. She said "I dont know what else I can say to make you trust me".. and shes right, she cant force me to, but it's also her job to be reliable and figure out (with my help, of course) what the issue blocking the trust is. That's her JOB. It's not my fault. I mostly believe that.
It's weird because I once ran across an online ad for her, and she had written something about how one of her specialties is helping people heal from trauma.. and that she believes being thouroughly heard is one of the most important aspects of healing. Is that possibly the same Anne I know? She just doesnt have that sense of... of what? Warmth, caring, genuineness, that I really need. I just cant get past the "if only she would have"s.... for instance, why the heck was she not willing to check in with my regarding my suicidal/SI impulses every week or so? I told her it'd make me feel heard. My parents ignored it, and I needed to be POSITIVE she was hearing it. She wouldnt do it. I dont feel like asking her to do that for me would have forced her to sacrifice her style.
I'm honestly really afraid to talk to Randy on Monday about this. I feel like he's on her side now. (I havent even spoken to him so I have no reason to think that, but I just feel it).
Your interpretation of the situation, that she may be feeling frustrated with herself and that this is her issue, helps me a lot. It's so easy to see Ts (her anyway) as emotionless in all this, like everything bounces right off. I guess if I can believe she feels something about this now, I can believe she cares in some tiny way. Even though it doesnt matter anymore, since I wont be seeing her.
I'm feeling really hurt right now. Very jumbled. So I apologize if this seems a little crazy and difficult to read.
poster:wishingstar
thread:686074
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/686654.html