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a gesture

Posted by ElaineM on September 15, 2006, at 21:34:49

In reply to update (long boring), posted by ElaineM on September 14, 2006, at 20:39:43

I mention death anniversaries (don't know if that's a trig)

******
I just felt like I never have anything good to share about T, so I wanted to tell. About two weeks ago I was mourning the anniversary of my beloved grandfather's death (who is responsible for any shread of love or sanity my sister and I have inside). Through it all we got to talking about my baby sisters who died not long after being born. It's weird I never got to see, or talk about them, (even photos of my mother with her belly were thrown out) but the twins have always been in my mind. Whenever I felt like I didn't deserve to live I used to despair so much over the fact that I was taking the place of a worthier human -- I always used to think that I was using up the life-force they had needed to live. I used to think my existence killed them -- it's such little kid thinking, I know, but it used to make perfect sense in my head. I used to cry for them, that they didn't ever get to know their grandparents :(

Anyways, we were never allowed to ask anything about them. I didn't know if they had been given names. I didn't even know where they were buried. All the grandparents I could've asked had recently died within this past year and a half. So when I was remembering my grandfather with my T, it brought up alot of feelings about my unknown sisters.

My T did some searching and networking the cemetaries and today he told me he found them, and gave me a print out of the layout. He's going to take me to see them, for the first time ever. ANd I'm going to put down two pink roses for them. :'(
I keep having little sobbing bursts. Happy-Sad tears. I'm relieved, but also, they've never been made "real" for me before. For all these years they've only been part of my head. I'm scared to go there too -- I'm afriad to cry those tears. I think he's wonderful for doing this for me. And I just wanted to share. but it's okay if still no one likes him. I just ache so much for the family I don't have anymore (the ones I learned some love from, and the ones I never got to love myself), that this was a big deal for me. It makes me want to hug you all too.


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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:ElaineM thread:685579
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/686389.html