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What's the matter with me? LOOoooONG » happyflower

Posted by llrrrpp on September 13, 2006, at 21:19:07

In reply to Re: Taking a dump **trigg**gotta loada crap in my head, posted by happyflower on September 13, 2006, at 11:10:35

So, here are some recent thoughts that are running through my head.

1) I have decided that therapy is the hardest thing I have ever voluntarily done in my entire life. It's harder than preparing and performing my solo violin recital in college. Harder than my master's thesis write-up and defense. Harder than high school, or living abroad as a 17-year-old.

I have decided that since therapy is so hard, and I'm here voluntarily, since I might not need it 'cause I'm almost functional... why bother with the anxiety and the fall-out every week? I'm sick of getting myself all worked up over seeing the therapist. I'm sick of the whole scene- looking over my shoulder to see if I know anyone watching me go into the building where the T's live. I'm sick of the waiting room, and the feeling of being part of "the system". I'm done with it. I don't even want to go back for my next appointment.

2) I have decided that wanting my T to like me is perfectly normal. That's how I am with most important people in my life. I'm not sure if I can handle the answer to this question, though: "Hey T, do you get anything positive out of working with me?" And why does it matter to me so much? Why does it matter that I feel like I'm important? Why can't it just be enough that I take up an hour of his life once a week, and that he participates in that hour?

3) I'm sad. I want to tell him. But I cannot. It makes me sad that I can't tell him that I feel sad because I can't tell him that I feel sad.

4) replace "sad" with "mad" above.

5) I want an extra session, just to yell at him, cry all over the place and go bonkers. But I don't feel I deserve one. If I got one, I wouldn't have the chutzpah to go

6) I want to stop coming forever and ever and not contact that place ever again and do something horrible to myself-- just to show "them" that maybe "they" should take me more seriously.

7) I wonder. why do I care about my T as a person? I'm not romantically attracted to him. He reminds my of one of my professors in college who I was fond of, but not attracted to. I like his sense of humor, and I think he has a lot of interesting things to say. I don't think I need him to "approve" of me, the way that a parent might. I guess I just wish that he would say maybe once-- that I'm going through a lot, and he thinks I'm doing really well. I wish he would make it easier for me to talk about the hard stuff. I feel like I'm going to see the principal or something. Confess my sins. I'm so f*cking confused. I don't even know what to think of him. I'm just sick of the whole f*cking thing. I'm ready to give up. Either give up the therapeutic relationship, and I'll just go in for a chat and a laugh, which is fine with me. Or give up on going in altogether.

So what? I feel like I have to tell him this stuff. in some form one way or another. He's probably working with the criminally insane tomorrow. never reads my emails anyways. I just wait. wait wait. i'll probably be back to cheery llrrrpp by the time I seem him next week. and then it starts over and over and over.

this is such a f*cking waste of my precious mental energy. I don't have enough power to give him (or therapy, or recovery, for that matter) so much real estate in my mind.

f*ck this.
*****************

oh goody It gets better and better.

Husband just called. said I sounded upset. Asked me why. I said I am upset because I didn't get to say stuff to T that I wanted to. He said, well, why don't you write it down on a note, you forget stuff sometimes (he knows me too well...). Honey. I DID write it down. I just didn't have a chance or the guts to say it. I went to go get my post-it note to read to Husband. I said, maybe if I practice on you, it will be easier when I go see T.

[note: husband is skeptical of psychotherapy. hates the idea, hates the practice, hates it all. probably hates the fact that I feel the need to go. thinks anyone can heal themselves. We've had a few heated "discussions" on this topic, by the way. I'm not sure why I thought he was a good person to try out my list on.]

1) I'm a waste of time a burden
H: well, come on, I mean, it's not like he's getting a lot of money or anything from you (I pay cheapo student rate). You know how it is, when you have a sh*tty job that's predictable, you go, but you don't really care that much.
Me: Honey, that's exactly what I'm afraid of. I know that that's how most people approach their jobs. Sometimes he seems bored or distracted. It usually passes, but it was especially pronounced at the beginning of my session on tuesday.
H: so what? he's just there to do his job
Me: if I don't think he cares, I can't trust him
H: just treat him like a business relationship. I mean, tell him what he wants to know. I don't like shrinks anyways... launches into his tirade...

2) I can get through this on my own
H: I've always said that. just take the medicine. you'll be fine.
Me: (exhasperated sigh)

3) I'm only getting better because I like to please you.
H: huh? what does that mean
Me: well, I spend a long time talking to him, and I don't pay him enough to make it worth his while. the least I can do is get better, right?

4) It matters to me that you care about me, and that you enjoy working with me.
H: why don't you just quit with this guy? If it's so important to you, we'll just pay for it. And then you won't have to worry. You always worry about such little stuff anyways.
Me: long pause. very long. debating whether I should hang up on H.
H: you still there?
Me: I don't want to talk about it anymore. You don't understand how I'm feeling. I don't want to talk about my feelings to anyone who won't understand them, or at least appreciate them, or listen. That's kind of why I see T. You know what? I think this conversation is over. You just don't get it.
H: I can listen. I won't say anything, I'll just listen. You know *I* care about you.
Me: [resigned] just... I don't know. why don't you go have a nice evening. go eat a steak or something (he's on a business trip).


ugh. remind me never to do this again.

-ll


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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:llrrrpp thread:685453
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/685740.html