Posted by Tamar on August 12, 2006, at 21:49:18
I feel so bad.
Yesterday evening I went to my friend Kate’s house to see her and to see a couple of other friends who were staying overnight at Kate’s. (Confusingly enough, they’re called Kate as well, so there were three Kates in the one place.) I got to meet Kate #1’s new boyfriend, who seemed really nice. Kate #2 had brought her father, and I’d never met him before either. And I’ve known Kate #3 for years but don’t get to see her very often. So it was a lovely evening.
However… and this is the thing I feel really bad about… Gee, I can hardly bear to write this… OK well… The thing is, I don’t feel comfortable feeling attracted to people at the best of times. But it’s even worse when it happens to me suddenly when I’m not expecting it. I kind of feel I can protect myself from feelings of attraction if I’m expecting it: I can sublimate it somehow. But when it happens unexpectedly… I find it so difficult. And I was instantly attracted to Theo (Kate’s dad). He’s about 15 years older than me, so he’s not old enough to be my father. Well, we all talked quite a bit and the conversation got a bit racy from time to time, and I kept looking over at him and he seemed to be looking back. And I thought to myself, “That’s my friend’s father. Stop it. Just stop it.” But at the same time I kept imagining what it would be like to unbutton his shirt… And I felt really guilty but really excited at the same time. I felt completely overwhelmed by the feelings of attraction.
Nothing happened between us. But I can’t take any credit for that. I’m certain that if I’d had the slightest opportunity I would have tried to initiate a kiss or something. And there are just so many reasons not to: I’m married, he’s recently widowed, and he’s my friend’s father. I know it’s wrong. So why do I feel as if I can’t help it?
I feel so dirty and disgusting for being such a pervert. I don’t know how to handle these feelings. I feel as if I just can’t resist the temptation. And yet, I’m an adult. I know that I am responsible for my actions. I know that there are consequences when people do socially unacceptable things. I know if I ever made a move on Theo it would ruin my friendship with Kate. Why can’t I be sensible and rational about stuff like this? Why do I feel as if I’d be prepared to risk a good friendship (and possibly my marriage) for a couple of hours of sex? It feels so disloyal.
Actually, I’m fairly certain Theo would have knocked me back. So nothing would have happened even if I’d tried it on. He has the maturity to refuse my advances. But why don’t I have the maturity not to make advances in the first place? The only thing that saved me from making an idiot of myself last night was lack of opportunity. That really scares me. I feel so horribly disgusting. I want to blame my inner 18 year-old, but I don’t think that will get me very far. I’m *not* a kid; I shouldn’t be overwhelmed by feelings like this. I should be able to put them in perspective. I just don’t know how. I don’t think I ever learned how. I feel very confused.
poster:Tamar
thread:675949
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060808/msgs/675949.html