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can't make myself go =:::( LadyBug

Posted by ElaineM on August 7, 2006, at 11:51:05

In reply to Re: ...continuing ElaineM, posted by LadyBug on August 5, 2006, at 0:13:16

I spoke to my T yesterday. It was good, I guess. And he emailed a few times last night. I don't remember much. My face in killing me. My sinus feels like it's going to burst. My jaw hurts to open and my hearing keeps popping in and out. I can't see the dentist until Wed. I have no antibiotics left so I suppose the infection was only being kept at bay and not cured entirely. This is not ever going to go away.

My stomach has also been killing me again. I even called my mother!! because I couldn't stand up without screaming out. All I do all night is moan, and hold my side. She said to call to let her know if I take myself to a hospital. She hates me. My T started crying and said he'd keep his cell with him if I wanted him to come and get me. I don't. After missing him so much, I don't even want to see him. I don't want anything except to be well, and nothing is ever done. It's been so much worse since the ultrasound because the technician was pushing so hard for nearly 50 minutes. I know it's nothing she did, but it's been so bad ever since.

I wish I could get to his office for a regular meeting. I'm glad he's back though. I've signed for him to have unconditional, and continuing permission to speak to other physicians about my medical history (as well as my mental one). He's to speak for me if I can't ever explain everything myself. So I'm glad he's back from vacation. I miss my LadyDoctor. I can't do this. I'm trying so hard, but it's so much. It's too much. It hurts to sit up to type. But it hurts even more to stand up -- way too much pressure, like my insides are falling.

I'm so afraid. And so tired of being afraid. So much agony. I'm tired of writing about my medical problems. But I'm tired of living them even more. I can't think. I can't do anything. I can't rest. I'm not even religious but I pray all the time now -- I don't even know why. It just pours out of me.
I suppose that happens alot with desperate people, or those trapped in suffering.

I am so impressed by your strength through your surguries -- how you even pushed yourself to get to that T meeting only two days later. I respect your bravery so much. I wish I could learn that. I know we don't have the same things but I can't understand how people get through things. I know there are a few others posting here who have medical problems too, and I get so touched reading everyone's struggles. I wish everyone was well. I wish I was well. I wish you could buy courage and perseverance. These days I spend alot of time debating in my head, the difference between perseverance and self-torture. I'm just having so hard a time accepting all of this. I thought the anorexia was the hardest thing I'd have to go through. Finding out that the hard stuff hadn't even begun just broke me. I have so little left. (I'm sorry for being such a downer)

Maybe he should come to me. I look so ugly right now though. And though he's seen me get teary before, he's never heard me yelp in pain, or seen a face full of tears. And no one sees me without makeup. I'm so protective of my ugliness. I'm so disgustingly shallow. God help me. Some of this has to go away.




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