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Why has this happened now? ***trigger

Posted by ElaineM on July 30, 2006, at 22:31:41

I'm sorry everyone, but I'm having a terrible time. I can't stand being alone for so long. I miss my T. Every day just blends into the next and I'm stuck staring at the clock. I keep checking my email to see if he's sent me something (found an internet hookup), but there's never anything there. It's so pathetic to check so many times and for nothing to be there. For the half-second it takes for the inbox page to upload my stomach lurches, and then when there's nothing new it feels like I've been punched. I've never gone this long before, and I can't take it. Usually there's some sort of message each morning, I see him during the day, and then usually it's email a few times each night. My life is so empty. I feel like I could throw-up.

I want to SI, so I can stop the shakes, and so I can have something to tend to, and take care of after -- which doesn't make sense!!! I don't need more pain!!! What is wrong with me? The time just moves so slowly, I can't do this! I've had dental problems lately, which seems to trigger full physical downspirals. Friday I went to the dentist in agony and found out that I have 3 more root canals. I haven't even paid for my first one! (I maxed out my school coverage in one visit last October.) He said this is all the malnutrition catching up to my teeth. Maybe it's true, but I'm sick of everything that happens to me getting blamed on the anorexia. The sky is blue because of my ED. Maybe I just feel guilty. I can't afford this. I don't know what to do. I had to have the dentist call in a prescription this morning cause it's infected my sinuses - my nose was bleeding alot this morning. It took me so long to actually dial his home number -- I was so nervous. So I'm back on these pills, and increased the codeine, but the vertigo is awful.

I did something terrible this afternoon. I was stuck in a crying fit, and my teeth were shooting lightening bolts up my jaw, and into my ear. I emailed my T (even though he won't get it until he's back) telling him that I'm so desperate and would accept his money. I said I'd rather try and do more work for it, rather than have it lent to me, but said that if I couldn't perform I'd let him lend it. He always says that it would be an honor for him to help me financially. But I think I want to take it back!! I knew it as soon as I pressed send -- my stomach sank. I just feel really guilty and embarrassed. Should I email him again and take it all back? Will that only make me look crazier?

The disgusting sad thing is that I think I'd do, or say, anything anyone wanted me to right now. I just want to scream, Somebody help me! at the top of my lungs. I need someone. I need him. The only one who cares. The only one who has tried to help, instead of hurt. I don't deserve him but I'd do anything for mercy. I feel bad to bury him in my garbage while he's so upset himself, but I can't stand this on-goingness! I don't want to suffer anymore.

I can't deal with my mouth. I don't have thousands and thousands of dollars. Not on top of everything else. This is like the last straw!! I can't even eat for comfort!! I don't want teeth anymore. Who cares if I'm ugly -- I can't even walk properly! What am I going to do? He said something has to be done this week! The antibiotics won't work much longer than that. The pressure in my head is intolerable.

I don't want to be cured. I just want this to be over. I'm so tired. I want a different body. I want this body to just die. I wish someone would kill me. (I'm sorry that's so gruesome) I always fantasize about my lady doctor being the one to do it. It would mean so much to me if it could be her. I miss her so much. I want to email her. It's on one of her business cards she wrote my appointment time on once. I want to so badly, but I think a doctor would be even less likely to respond than a T. I'd really want her to answer.

I'm sorry to be so negative. I've wished for hope for so long, but relief is not coming. And now, I can see that the only think holding me here is my T. I can't cope with all this upset, and physical pain without him. I hope I don't infect you all with my complaining. Blahblah I never shut-up, stupid @ss! I'm sorry. I hate myself and this and I don't know what to do. I have no options. I'm so tired of pain. I need help. I'm thinking of going to emerg. tomorrow. But I'm so afraid that if I go into the hospital I'll never leave. I hope I can sleep tonight. I'm so tired.




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