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Re: Of nightmares and transference and shame

Posted by Daisym on July 26, 2006, at 11:37:37

In reply to Re: Of nightmares and transference and shame Racer, posted by sunnydays on July 25, 2006, at 22:31:47

Your insights seem so right on, I hope you can let yourself celebrate your A. I know, I know, it is an imperfect A, but it is still an A, none-the-less.

Racer, I think you need to nod your head with me here...these people HURT you! They wounded you at a primal level -- you were vulnerable and suicidal and they didn't help, they made it worse. How much damage is inflicted by the message, "we don't really care if you live or die because it is your fault anyway?" It makes me sick to my stomach. It is equivalent to leaving a young child home alone all day because they know how to open the fridge. The horror of neglect is the sheer cruelity of it. You were neglected. You were traumatized. Your WERE a victim.

But being a victim doesn't make you BAD. It wasn't your fault. Accepting that you were THEN and knowing that you aren't NOW is your work. And I would venture that those old feelings are even more terrifying because you are still in a position that offers up the potential to be hurt again in exactly the same way. So you must keep your guard up, even as you long for the comfort and support of your therapist. Think of a cat who has been abused but still needs food, water and love. They come out slowly, often hostile, grab a little of what they need and then run away into the dark corners. Trust takes a long time to build and can be destroyed in an instant.

Humans are wired to need each other. But we also hurt each other. And there are hurts that go deeper and deeper. I've started to think of mine, like yours, as a puncture wound. These are dangerous wounds because they look healed over on the outside. But they spread from the inside...causing infection and exhaustion. But they are hugely hard to treat, because there is such a potential to make them worse and kill the patient. I think Agency X made your old wound a 1000x worse. So just because they didn't treat you for very long, doesn't mean that they didn't inflict a mortal wound.

And the bill? Send it to the county auditor's office with a note that sweetly asks if they are paying all their contractors to not see patients. Believe me, no one wants to have to reconstruct records.

Hugs from me.

btw -- Mr. M would say to hang dream catchers over your bed. It works for him. :)




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