Posted by wishingstar on July 23, 2006, at 18:23:19
Wow, sorry this got so long.
I saw Anne (regular T from home) Thursday evening. I drove 2 hours to get there after work and I was pretty brain fried, but I made it. I was hoping that I'd leave with some sense of relief or of being cared about and heard... but I didnt.
I havent posted anything about it until now because I just cant get my thoughts together on it. I'm not even sure how I feel. Hurt, crushed, hopeless, frustrated, angry, guilty, doubting myself... pretty much everything.
I asked her if everything I've done with her has been manipulative, and she said she doesnt like that word. We agreed that my response to her not calling back during my crisis a few months ago was an overreaction (it was), and she said that signals to her that it's a sensitive area that needs to be worked on. Okay, not exactly what I wanted to hear (I still never got an apology, and that's what I want), but I'll take it.
Regarding everything else.. she didnt really give me any straight answers. I felt as if she was dancing around my questions but without meaning to maybe. When I kept asking the same questions, she got frustrated (first time I could ever hear it in her voice). In the past I've made many comments to her that I thought would be helpful when I became aware of how I operate.. for instance, I've told her that generally when I get really quiet, I'm censoring and having a hard time saying what I need to say. Another example was when I told her how I've taken all the emotional content out of certain words (like "upset") and that it'll help me a lot if she can sometimes use words other than the ones I used. I really just thought I was being helpful, or at least neutral - I didnt know me telling her those things was bad. But apparently she feels like asking her to note those silences or use certain words or anything else is shifting the responsibility of the work off of me and onto her. That wasnt my intent at all! I constantly talk about how I know things are my responsibility.. but one of the biggest issues I have is with not being able to express how I really feel. It's not as easy as "just do it" for me. I just need someone to hold my hand, or maybe just one finger, so I can feel a little safer in taking that step. Just a "I noticed you're silent.. what's going on?" would help so, so much. I thought I was being proactive and helpful. Wrong again.
I did ask her about her policy for phone calls. She said that it's best that I not call right now since I'm seeing Laurie for the summer. I completely understand that, although I wish she'd told me that last time I called rather than saying "okay, talk to you next time you need to call". But okay. She said when I am her client regularly, calling once in awhile is okay, and she always trys to return calls within 24 hours, although it doesnt always happen. Understandable.. she has a real life, but why has the 24 hour return call NEVER happened for me (except when I call to reschedule, when she usually calls back within an hour or so)? What's wrong with me? It seems like she really just doesnt want to talk to/deal with me. I didnt push it any further because the session was almost over.
I told her how Laurie often says things like "that sounds really painful" etc.. and how that helps me a lot. Anne seemed surprised (and slightly defensive) and said that she does say those things. But she DOESNT. Occasionally, sure... but not often. I dont doubt that she says that stuff to others... does she really dislike me this much? I dont get it. That would do so much to help me feel heard.
At the end of the session, she said something like "see you in a few weeks possibly.. but if you dont like my style then you should consider getting a new T" (paraphrase of course). I'll be back in town in 3-4 weeks and the plan all along was that I'd come back. I can completely respect her suggesting I go somewhere else if she feels like she cant help or cant work with me, but throwing it in the end there was hurtful. I already knew she was frustrated with me, and I've definitely been feeling unheard and uncared for by her, so even though I'm sure she said it trying to be helpful and ethical, it hurt. It was just another "by the way, I dont really care about you" in my head... "come back if you want, or dont, it doesnt matter either way".
In a way, it seems very obvious to me that it's time for a new T. I looked a little online and am considering the options there. However, that sounds impossibly hard (starting over) and I'm not sure if I'd even find a new T right away. However, part of me isnt sure. Part of me wonders if this "issue" is really my issue and something that needs to be worked through as part of my therapy, not run away from. How do you know when something is your issue, and when something truly just isnt right? I never used to doubt myself like this, but I feel like my world is completely upside down right now. I am going to talk to Laurie about it on Tues, but shes the one who thinks that all my behavior with Anne has been manipulative, so I'm not sure I can get a very good objective opinion there. I also wonder if I'm hurting myself by trying to get Anne to care or to pay attention through any means possible when she just isnt going to do so... exactly like my family. My parents never cared or were interested, no matter how I acted (perfect child, bad kid, etc). Could I be repeating that? Is she just like my family and wont like me/care regardless of what I do?
Sorry this was so long. I know you all have given me your opinions on this several times already so it's okay if you dont reply. I just thought I'd let you know what happened and vent a little. It helps to not feel so alone.
poster:wishingstar
thread:669788
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060721/msgs/669788.html