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Re: as above, breaking my heart madeline

Posted by crushedout on July 23, 2006, at 12:18:52

In reply to Re: as above, breaking my heart mayzee, posted by madeline on July 23, 2006, at 11:30:27


Maddy,

Your posts have been very helpful for me in trying to think this through. I'm sure you will forgive me for being skeptical, though, given what you went through. I mean, I can see how this was important for you, but my situation is different in that I've never had any problems falling in love. Maybe I'm kidding myself when I say that because none of my relationships have worked out, but falling in love, or loving, has never seemed to be the root of the problem for me. So I'm wondering where this gets me.

(I don't mean to hijack this thread but I just started thinking about this as I read your post here.)

What I'm wondering is: what, if anything, did your therapist do or say or ask (besides telling you that it was okay to love him, etc.) to work through these feelings you were having for him? I mean, did you talk about what needs he was filling for you, or maybe what you didn't get as a child that made it so hard for you to love, etc.? Or did he just sit there and let you love him safely, and love you back?

The reason I ask is that I already went through this with a previous therapist for a couple of years (old-timers know the whole saga--which was kind of a fiasco) and I ended up having to leave her and start over with my current one. My previous T probably thinks I ran away and didn't deal with these feelings. But for me, I think the problem with how she dealt with it (in part) might have been that she just let me go through the feelings without helping me to figure out what they were about. So, did your T help you with that?

Sorry that was so long-winded.

crushedout

> <<<P.S. due to my depression I haven't had any romantic feelings for anyone for over 3 years; so my friend says she's happy just to hear that I can have those feelings again.>>>
>
> EXACTLY! You still have those feelings and THAT, I think is the important thing here.
>
> I am not going to lie to you, I went through three years of hell with my T. I knew I was only going to get hurt. I knew I was only going to continue to get hurt if things continued the way they were in therapy.
>
> I accused him of every trick in the book - leading me on, being a big fake, a coward, a liar - not just any liar but the WORST kind of liar. I accused him of being on a ego trip, I begged him not to hurt me anymore. I wrote long scathing letters about how he was nothing but a jerk and that he was the worst thing that ever happened to me.
>
> Through it all he just sat there and listened. He would have little spurts of defensiveness, especially when I would accuse him of grossly mistreating me, but he would only point out that he had never done anything of the sort. I would have to then concede his point.
>
> We went on like this for years. He would always tell me that the love I felt and the love he felt for me didn't have to hurt anyone. It could exist in that room and no one was going to die from it. I bet he said that a hundred times before I realized that he was right. I could love him, it was okay.
>
> Then I went through a phase when I ONLY wanted to love him, but slowly and painfully that changed as well.
>
> You just have to be open to the whole emotional process in therapy, nothing is right or wrong. It just is.
>
> Talk to your therapist about it, talk to them over and over again. If this is the first time you have felt love in three years (for me it was MUCH longer) then run with that.
>
> It will be okay, it really really will.
>
> Maddie
>
>


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