Posted by Dinah on July 18, 2006, at 18:48:55
I haven't had therapy homework in a while.
I asked my therapist if he had a magic wand, what would he wish that I had learned from therapy that I haven't learned so far.
He thought for a while and answered before turning the question on me. Which surprised me, I have to admit, because he usually makes me answer questions like that first.
I didn't really have an answer for him, and he wants me to think about it for next session. I like the idea of homework, because it helps bridge sesssions. Even if he has forgotten it completely by next time.
Clearly I've thought about it, or I wouldn't have had the question for him. But I couldn't think of an answer on my side. I've learned a lot. I've learned to separate from my family (that was a biggie). I've learned to control my OCD. I've learned (for the most part) why I do the things I do, and that helps me to reduce the number of times I do things I don't want to do.
I know what I *should* answer. I should answer that I want to learn to do the things he does for me myself. I should want to learn to outgrow my need for him. I told him that, and crossed my arms and told him that maybe I should want that, but I don't. And he said that people generally do what they want to do, not what they should do, unless they want to do what they should do.
I don't know what I want to learn.
He said he'd like me to learn that I'm not a bad girl.
I'm not altogether sure I do think I'm a bad girl. I think I'm *afraid* of being a bad girl, which is a different thing altogether. But he knows me so well, so he probably knows that. I should ask what he meant.
He said he'd like me to learn that all of me is acceptable. I'd like to learn that too, but it would be foolish of me not to take in feedback that clearly says that not all of me is acceptable. Just the acceptable parts are. He said I can't change how other people receive me, but I can change how I feel about myself. Is that really in touch with reality?
He said he'd like me to learn that change is ok. I don't like change, even good change. And I don't want change. But I guess it would be nice not to be terrified of change.
But that's still referring to what he said. I don't know what I'd want if I had a magic wand and could have me learn something I haven't learned yet in therapy.
What would other people do with the magic wand? What would you want to learn that you haven't learned yet?
Is that even a question clients can answer? Maybe what we need to learn is stuff we don't even know exists?