Posted by wishingstar on July 13, 2006, at 21:08:46
In reply to Re: wanting to give up therapy... long, posted by ElaineM on July 12, 2006, at 20:31:30
Thank you elaine. I am at the end of my rope. I really am. I thought I was there a few weeks ago, but I guess now the rope is starting to fray and I'm holding into the little twisted parts that are hanging off the edge. Hah.
You definitely didnt upset me more.. knowing you understand helps a lot. You're right, there's no way to win. No matter what I do, I'm wrong. All Anne ever tells me is "ask for help when you need it, dont be afraid to be vulnerable, you can trust me, i'll wait until youre ready" and on and on... but then when I try, she really isnt there, and it's suddenly manipulative. So basically, be vulnerable, need people, and ask for what you need, but dont expect to get it. Heck, I can get that from my family for a LOT cheaper than 50 min of therapy costs me. I get it every day! If I need to feel worthless, my family is here. I dont need Anne and especially Laurie to help.
I'm not sure about the adjustment disorder diagnosis. Everything I read seemed to specify a stressful life event (something like a divorce came to mind) that a person wasnt able to deal with, sort of an offshoot of ptsd. I'm wondering if it's just my old diagnosis in her books from years ago, when I was seriously depressed and reacting strongly to an emotional abandonment by my family... but if so, then it sort of negates her current argument that my family was always unfair and hurtful to me. If they were always hurtful, then it wouldnt be an adjustment disorder (because that seems to be a more short-term response issue).. I dont get it. I will definitely ask her next time I see her.
The speculation is killing me. I know I should just accept that I wont figure it out, but these 2 people are, in different ways, the center of my emotional life right now. Really the only part of my emotional life outside of myself. I think sometimes therapists dont understand how significant their jobs really are and how much they effect us with their behaviors, positive or negative. I wish they did.
Your support and all helps so much. Thanks.