Posted by wishingstar on July 12, 2006, at 16:23:04
I just cant keep doing this. I know therapy is painful, and I expect that.. but this is just too much. I'm making it a new thread because it's sort of different from my thread above.. hope thats ok.
I'm going to start using names because old T/new T is just too confusing. If that isnt okay, please tell me and I wont do it again. Laurie is my T here who I've seen the last few weeks. Anne is the one at home, and the one who never seems to call back when I need her to. Anne is the one I called the other day too.
I saw Laurie today. She decided last session that I do have BPD, which I'd suspected for awhile. Today, I talked about being upset that Anne had not returned my call from Monday afternoon (see my post above for that story). I'd called anne to ask if she felt like I was manipulating her. Anyway, Laurie basically told me that calling anne to ask her that was manipulative in itself, and expecting a return call by now (from my message mon night) isnt completely reasonable. I should wait until Friday, THEN be upset, she said. I mentioned last time I tried to ask for help during a major crisis and Anne didnt call back when she said she would, and Laurie basically told me that Anne isnt my personal crisis unit and if I needed help that badly, I should go to the ER. I didnt need to be admitted... and I cant afford it with my already $30,000 in medical debt. But that didnt matter.
Laurie asked why I get upset when Anne doesnt call. I said that it makes me feel like she doesnt care about me, and it makes me feel abandoned. Laurie basically told me that that is irrational - I'm just setting myself up to get hurt and that wanting her to care like that is "just part of the bpd", as is my not feeling cared about when she doesnt call. I disagree.. I think it's pretty normal. But maybe that's the bpd talking.
On the way home from therapy, I called Anne again. My voice was shaking trying to hold back tears (and anne has never seen me cry) and I told her that I've become aware that apparently my calling her the other day was manipulative in itself and I was sorry, and she doesnt need to call back. I said that I knew saying she didnt need to call probably sounded manipulative too, but I'm truly not trying to be.. of course a little part of me hopes she'll call still, but I wont be mad/upset if she doesnt. I told her she didnt have to. I just want to think she cares a tiny bit... why is EVERYTHING I do wrong?
I'm thinking I'm going to cancel therapy with Laurie for next week, but I'm going to wait until the weekend to decide. Of course she'll think I'm just being manipulative by doing so, but really, I just cant take how painful seeing her is for me. 3 weeks ago (before I started seeing her) I felt okay about myself as a person.. now, I just want to give up. I hate myself and I dont feel like I do anything right. I really believe that. I'm just going to tell her it is honestly too painful to see her, and I need a week to think about things. Not to mention I have to go straight back into my preschool classroom from therapy... yeah, hard. I just want to shut down next time I see her and not say much.. i feel like I have to in order to protect myself. Everything I say comes out with me being the bad guy. Even if it's true, I just need someone to be nice to me for a change.... (aside from you all, of course. thanks guys.)
I'm really just venting. I feel so completely alone and hopeless. I'd call Laurie, but I know "that'd just be manipulative". And Anne wont call me back obviously (it was 2 full days before I left that message saying she didnt need to).
I know no one knows me well enough to say if Laurie is right or not. I guess I just needed someone (you all) to hear me. Thanks everyone. I dont know what I'd do if I couldnt post here. It's really my only lifeline right now.