Posted by wishingstar on July 10, 2006, at 18:22:09
In reply to Re: being manipulative versus honest » wishingstar, posted by Jost on July 9, 2006, at 21:56:53
hi Jost.. wow, lots to think about.
My letter said something like "I just wanted to let you know that I've been feeling like hurting myself in order to get your attention" and probably mentioned (for the 50th time) how I didnt feel like she was hearing me. So yes, I mentioned it was to get her attention. Looking back, I know that letter was manipulative, although I didnt mean for it to be. But I really was serious.. I wasnt in imminent danger right then, but I was seriously considering acting. I didnt say it ONLY to get her attention.. I said it so she'd realize how badly I needed her to hear me and how unheard I was truly feeling, and to understand that I was feeling bad enough that I wasnt sure if I was safe. I like what you said about her FEELING manipulated, because thats probably what happened. She may have felt it, but it wasnt the intent. But in situations like this, does intent on the manipulators side really matter? Probably not... If I had said it and it wasnt true, that'd be manipulative, but if it was true, then it's just.. true. Even if the result is her feeling a certain way. Maybe?
What I really hoped was that shed realize how unheard I felt and would actively try to work with me so I felt more heard. Unfortunately, that didnt happen. Now I wonder if the reason it didnt happen was because she felt like I was just being manipulative. I've felt in the past like she really discounts my self-harm talk because I've never made a "real" suicide attempt in the past. That also added to my feelings.. I wanted to show her how serious I was so she'd finally hear me.
I really thought I was doing the right thing by leaving her that note.. who knows. Maybe she just isnt the T for me, or maybe I've been going about this all wrong. I just dont know.
Your points have really helped... it helps me not blame myself quite as harshly. Thank you.