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Re: Deep Inhale (sorry this turned out so long) annierose

Posted by littleone on July 2, 2006, at 21:51:56

In reply to Re: Deep Inhale littleone, posted by annierose on June 28, 2006, at 21:24:16

> >>>Then when my T goes away I feel forbidden from asking for those things from him.
> I don't think I feel like it is forbidden, I just know I don't have access. For me it feels more than she is on a deserted island, unreachable. I'm really okay with that intellectually. I'm glad she is taking care of herself and spending her time as she wishes.

I hear a real big but there in that last bit.

I don't think I explained myself very well last time. I guess I'm asking if she feels inaccessable (and I mean this in an inside feeling way, not a logical in your head way) because a) she's just not there to access (either in a physical sense with your T, or in an emotional sense with your parent) and it's totally out of your control. Or b) she's not there to access, but if you were just smart enough or strong enough or nice enough or pretty enough or whatever enough, you'd be able to get to her. Then it feels like it's in your control a bit because you can try and be smarter/stronger/nicer/whatever.

Actually, I still don't think I'm asking what I want to ask, but that's the best I can do for now.

> Self-talking would be more difficult. I'm getting feedback from another person who has a completely different perspective than me - i.e. she doesn't think that nobody likes her.

I got confused with this bit. Are you saying that you believe nobody likes you? And getting feedback from your T is good because she doesn't believe that? But getting feedback from yourself is not so good because it comes from the nobody likes me perspective?

> When your therapist goes on vacation, do you want access?

***YES*** I don't know how to make it bolder/louder than that. I want access, but I don't get it in any real sort of sense. But then I also never really ask for it outright. I kind of ask around it because I never want to ask for anything. So if I asked for a phone call or something, I'm not sure what he'd say.

> What has he offered you in the past? I never asked but I know she leaves a name of another therapist on her machine in case one of her clients is having an emergency.

Last time I was thinking about seeing someone else while he's away. But one of my defenses is to run away. And if I build even a small relationship with another T while he's gone, it will make it way to easy to run away from him next time I get the urge. So we used other strategies to cope.

Last time he went away he stocked up our hanky with "himness" so there was lots of him in it before he left. And his wife ironed it so I had her creases (I know that sounds kooky, but it's because I wish he was my dad and she was my mum). He wrote me the 4 page wonderful letter which I read so many times it's practically memorised. And I have some photos of him. So all those things kind of gave me access to a remembered him (I have a lot of trouble holding on to him eg when he went away it was like he ceased to exist and never had existed).

I also got physical access to his waiting room, so I would go in and sit there for an hour or two. Which wasn't as nice as seeing him, but it was good because the waiting room is kind of a comforting safe place for me. Sometimes it is a bad place, but normally safe.

I had other coping strategies, but they were the main access kind of ones.

> Do you feel you are still cut off from your feelings? Is therapy helping your access to them?

I read on another forum recently that the first step is to know that you have feelings, then you need to learn to feel your feelings and then you can learn to express them in increasingly appropriate ways.

I think I am at the stage where I can tell if I am feeling something, but I can't always tell what it is that I'm feeling or why. And I still have a lot of trouble where my feelings cut off if there's too much to handle. It is getting better, but it still happens a lot.

And yes therapy does help with this. Without therapy I'd be back where I've always been.

Also, I've noticed that when I sit on the floor, I feel the session a lot more and am connected to my T a lot more. Whereas if I'm feeling older and sit in my chair, then I'm more cut off and afterwards it feels like I didn't even have a session.

When I first started writing for therapy, everything was written as "I think ...". Now most of it is "I feel ....". There's been a big change there. But still a long way to go.




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