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((((Tamar)))) » Tamar

Posted by muffled on June 30, 2006, at 23:46:52

In reply to This isn't fun any more, posted by Tamar on June 30, 2006, at 13:49:28

> Therapy is still hard. We had a session a couple of days ago and it went pretty well until the very end, when he said he thought perhaps I might want something from him.

**what did he mean by that?

And of course I wants lots of things from him, but he never seems to want to discuss that. So I said, “What can you give me?” And he looked away for a long time (well, it seemed long, and I was trying to figure out whether he was annoyed at me). Then he looked up and he said that I don’t have to feel this way.

**What does he mean by you don't have to feel this way?
Sorry I'm alittle dense.

That was OK with me because I understood what he meant, by my inner 18 year-old wanted to smack him. She said, “You know, what I *really* want is to be able to remember what you look like between sessions.” (We had been talking about that earlier.)

**I'm with your inner 18 yr. old. My T has a pic in an advertisement for their practice. Its small and hard to see, but I bet I've looked at it 1000 times. I don't need to much anymore. I also have a recorded message she once left on my machine that was real nice, sometimes I listen
to that. Esp. after a longer break btwn. sessions. One time after a long break (long to ME anyways!)I actually popped in to her office just so I could actually SEE her visually the day b4 my appt. I felt ridiculous. But my inside kid needed to be convinced she still existed or something.

And he told me that he thought what I really wanted was to be able to hang onto my internal representation of him,

**what the hell is THAT supposed to mean. It means NOTHING to me. I lose my mental grasp of my T within about 24 hrs. Its just gone. It doesn't seem real anymore. Less so now, but still so.

and that my internal representation of him didn’t need to have a face. And I gave up. If he can’t understand that I want to know what he looks like, I don’t see the point of continuing.

**Can you maybe give it one last try and bring in this post that you posted, or even this one.
Faces are so important. I forget them too. Its awful really, cuz I fear that people will think I don't care when I don't remember faces, or names, or details, I DO, I just can't seem to retain the info.
> I have never felt so sh*t leaving therapy, even when we’ve been talking about very difficult things.

**Its awful when we try so hard about something and the T just doesn't get it. I've run into that a time or two.
Is it you in therapy session, or mostly someone else? Maybe whoever is there is not being very clear, she may think she is, but mebbe she's not? Would you be able to tape a session to relisten to and assess? Just to be sure?
> I accept that he may be right. Perhaps I don’t need to know what he looks like.
But I *want* to know what he looks like. Why the f*ck can we not talk about that? And in fact, he may also be wrong. I might actually *need* to know what he looks like. How can he know what I need? How can he make that decision without exploring it and discussing it with me?

**IMHO it helps ALOT to be able to know what they look like. Just to maintain the connection btwn. sessions.
> I want to phone and cancel my next appointment. I don’t think I will. But I’m desperate now. I can’t go on like this. My 18 year-old wants to misbehave. She wants to email him, phone him at home, drive past his house, send him books, sit in her car outside his office and watch him coming and going… I think she hopes that behaving badly will get his attention. I’m very sure she’s wrong. But it frightens me. I haven’t felt like this before. I haven’t wanted to misbehave purely to get attention since I was a small child.

**Maybe its not your 18 yr old that wants this, maybe its a younger one. Can you get the calm adult mom Tamar to talk to the younger one. Talk to her like she is a little kid cuz she IS. Took me the LONGEST time to really understand that, and things went much smoother after that. I seem to only be able to do this in writing. Very rarely can I communicate in other ways.
> I’m scared…
**Its ok to be scared. But you are ok. Just the fact that your scared is a good sign really.
Yeah, the misbehaving proly won't get you far.
Seems like asking straight out hasn't helped much, no wonder you frustrated, I would be too.
If your T don't 'get it' next week , maybe its time for a new T? I know its a crazy hard thing, but if you focus on the idea, dream, of someone 'getting it' and how WONDERFUL that would feel, well, maybe that could give you incentive to push on.
You've really been struggling hard awhile Tamar.
Have you changed your meds. at all?
I've started seroquel(off label use for anxiety). I take an extrordinarily small dose, but it has calmed me some, and helped me be more in reality I suppose. No side effects so far that I'm aware of....
So anyways, meds can make a huge diff. good or bad.
Maybe something needs to change....
Tamar, you are a kind and considerate, articulate, wonderful gift in the world.
Its hard now, but it will get better.
Take special care,
Cuz we care so much bout you.




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