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This isn't fun any more

Posted by Tamar on June 30, 2006, at 13:49:28

Sorry I havenít been very communicative recently. Iím having a really hard time at the moment: Iím feeling horribly depressed and my diabetes is spiralling out of control for no obvious reason.

Therapy is still hard. We had a session a couple of days ago and it went pretty well until the very end, when he said he thought perhaps I might want something from him. And of course I wants lots of things from him, but he never seems to want to discuss that. So I said, ďWhat can you give me?Ē And he looked away for a long time (well, it seemed long, and I was trying to figure out whether he was annoyed at me). Then he looked up and he said that I donít have to feel this way. That was OK with me because I understood what he meant, by my inner 18 year-old wanted to smack him. She said, ďYou know, what I *really* want is to be able to remember what you look like between sessions.Ē (We had been talking about that earlier.) And he told me that he thought what I really wanted was to be able to hang onto my internal representation of him, and that my internal representation of him didnít need to have a face. And I gave up. If he canít understand that I want to know what he looks like, I donít see the point of continuing.

I have never felt so sh*t leaving therapy, even when weíve been talking about very difficult things.

I accept that he may be right. Perhaps I donít need to know what he looks like. But I *want* to know what he looks like. Why the f*ck can we not talk about that? And in fact, he may also be wrong. I might actually *need* to know what he looks like. How can he know what I need? How can he make that decision without exploring it and discussing it with me?

I want to phone and cancel my next appointment. I donít think I will. But Iím desperate now. I canít go on like this. My 18 year-old wants to misbehave. She wants to email him, phone him at home, drive past his house, send him books, sit in her car outside his office and watch him coming and goingÖ I think she hopes that behaving badly will get his attention. Iím very sure sheís wrong. But it frightens me. I havenít felt like this before. I havenít wanted to misbehave purely to get attention since I was a small child.

Iím scaredÖ


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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:Tamar thread:662944
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060623/msgs/662944.html