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Re: You were right **trigger ?** Ľ ElaineM

Posted by Tamar on June 24, 2006, at 6:39:03

In reply to Re: You were right **trigger ?** Ľ llrrrpp, posted by ElaineM on June 23, 2006, at 22:41:43

> Things shouldn't have changed, I don't understand why they did.

Whatever changed, it wasnít your fault. He should have maintained professional boundaries. Therapists are supposed to engage in regular supervision or therapy themselves to ensure that their feelings about their clients can be contained and that their behaviour always remains professional. If something changed, itís because he hasnít taken responsibility for his feelings. Itís quite common for therapists to want to rescue their clients, or for them to feel strong feelings of love (or even negative emotions) towards their clients. They are not supposed to act on those feelings, because if they try to rescue you or if they try to have a mutual loving relationship with you (even a platonic one) they can no longer give you the therapy you need. Their own emotional needs intrude into the relationship. The professional guidelines for therapists make it absolutely clear that the patient must not be blamed or held responsible for the therapistís feelings under any circumstances.

> I'm already questioning my interpretation of this morning. I can't remember the entire session, or his tone, or facial expressions. I don't remember what I did. (Like I can't remember if I held his hands back. How much I led him on, in a way.) I don't have the energy to contain all my guilt and sadness. And both are like giant erasers for your head.

I know what you mean about being unable to remember things. I think that often happens when we feel ambivalent about an event. On the one hand, you want his love; on the other hand you donít want him to do anything wrong. Itís hard for you to know how to feel about it, and so memory becomes a problem.

About leading him onÖ it is not possible to lead on a therapist who keeps his boundaries. If you were to take off all your clothes and dance naked in front of him he should be able to tell you gently that he canít be involved with you that way, but that heíd like to help you talk about your needs and desires. Therapists are supposed to understand that clients might have very powerful and even confusing feelings for them, and good therapists understand that it is their job to explore those feelings therapeutically rather than by acting out the clientís desires.

> I am glad that I didn't SI. I'm looking to other things to cope. Which isn't the best thing, I guess, but better than SI (to me at least). I just keep saying in my head that I look disgusting enough already. Maybe if he knew how ugly he would not even want to look at me anymore.

Iím sorry you feel ugly. Iím certain that you do not look disgusting. But who am I to talk? I think I look disgusting too. Itís part of the illness. And your therapistís inappropriate behaviour will eventually make you feel worse about yourself. Thatís why itís so dangerous.

Iím so glad you didnít SI! Well done. This is all so hard, and youíre handling it so well. (((((Elaine)))))





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