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Re: You were right **trigger ?** llrrrpp

Posted by ElaineM on June 23, 2006, at 22:41:43

In reply to Re: You were right **trigger ?** ElaineM, posted by llrrrpp on June 23, 2006, at 17:11:53

llrrrpp: Thank you for encouraging me, though I didn't feel calm, or level-headed, but shocked. I've felt numb since the afternoon. This is not good. It is wrong in so many ways. I should not be going behind his back. I shouldn't betray the only one who cares about me so much. He loves me, when the ones who should be in my life turn away from me. (And I don't take that word lightly, or ever usually connect it to me. But I believe it could be true. Maybe not even a romantic-type love, but platonic). He should not treat me like I'm a regular female, or say things about me that aren't true, just to give me false confidence. Things shouldn't have changed, I don't understand why they did.

And I'm already having a problem with re-writing what happened today. I do that all the time. I won't explain this properly but, I have a really hard time holding onto short term memories. (My old T said it's due to anxiety or something) When I do, I only keep pieces, and then I fill in the rest - to make stuff seem better. I'm already questioning my interpretation of this morning. I can't remember the entire session, or his tone, or facial expressions. I don't remember what I did. (Like I can't remember if I held his hands back. How much I led him on, in a way.) I don't have the energy to contain all my guilt and sadness. And both are like giant erasers for your head.

I am glad that I didn't SI. I'm looking to other things to cope. Which isn't the best thing, I guess, but better than SI (to me at least). I just keep saying in my head that I look disgusting enough already. Maybe if he knew how ugly he would not even want to look at me anymore.

I will have to leave the house tomorrow for sure.
Thanks for the hugs,




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