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Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » happyflower

Posted by Tamar on June 21, 2006, at 19:29:40

In reply to How do you move on from an abusive childhood?, posted by happyflower on June 21, 2006, at 16:20:41

It would be very strange if those experiences hadn’t affected you.

And it’s wonderful that you have had the strength of character to be able to love and be loved. Especially with your children. That’s actually one of the hardest things to overcome, as far as I can tell. May people with terrible childhoods have huge difficulties parenting their own children. And maybe you have had difficulties, but you have had the moral fibre to do what you believe is right. Good for you!

I think you have definitely made the best of things. I know things are difficult in your marriage at the moment, but the fact is, you have been capable of having an intimate relationship. That’s something to congratulate yourself for, because not everyone can do it. You have succeeded in working through a great many intimacy issues to get to that point.

I think you have probably been working hard all your life to deal with the effects of the abuse you suffered as a child. You are a very courageous person and you are determined enough to get results when you try to overcome your past.

About letting it go: I don’t think you can rewrite history. It won’t ever be trivial to you. But you can keep working on ways of living with it.

I think there are definite things you need: you need safety. You had that in your marriage and now it seems as if your relationship doesn’t feel as safe as it used to. That’s a huge problem, and one that doesn’t have easy answers.

You need affirmation and validation. You need some trusted people who will understand what you have been through and who will take your side against the people who hurt you, even if taking your side is a largely symbolic thing.

You also need to find ways of feeling part of ‘normal society’. Being abused as a child sets people apart from ‘normality’ because despite the awareness of child abuse, it’s not an experience people really understand. I think your music is a great way of finding your way back into the mainstream, but there may still be times when you feel marginalised because of your experiences.

I’m curious about why you think you need to be a better person. I think you’re a wonderful person. Maybe you could focus on being a happier person – that seems like a reasonable goal. But I don’t think you need to change who you are fundamentally. You’re great just the way you are!





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