Posted by Poet on June 11, 2006, at 13:21:17
Thirty years ago, today, I was going to kill myself. I was 18 years old, depressed and felt that I was a complete failure. I wrote a suicide poem in lieu of a note. I still have it.
I didn't go through with my plan, because I told myself that I can be a success. I can be fully independent and never have to depend on anyone for anything. Career success became my obsession.
Two years ago I landed a job that used my brain and paid well. I bought a new house and two days after I moved in was forced to quit the job. I went into a major depression and decided to activate my suicide plan. My T threatened to call 911. I ended up signing a no harm agreement and talking to her everyday- a see, I'm still alive call. Ex pdoc put me on a major dose of Effexor XR and between that, my T and you guys I got through the crises.
I was supposed to start an online class today which my obsessed brain thinks will finally get me that coveted career. Something's not working as all I get when I log in is a message saying I'm not enrolled in any classes.
I have, yet another, job interview on Tuesday. It's not what I want to be doing, not related to any education I've had or if I can get online will have. It's for a mindless job, but one that pays much better than my current mindless job. Economically I need to earn more money, that's a reality not part of the career obsession.
I know, I know. Get over this career obsession. I'm going to go do some gardening, today, instead of the class. I'm going to try hard to remember that career isn't everything, but that seems so impossible, especially today.
I am still alive, 30 years later, and I will eventually get it through my head that I have some good qualities. One of which is an obsession with pulling weeds!
Poet
poster:Poet
thread:655514
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060604/msgs/655514.html