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Re: acting out big time *trigger*

Posted by inimitable on June 9, 2006, at 0:28:58

In reply to Re: acting out big time *trigger* » inimitable, posted by wishingstar on June 8, 2006, at 23:14:58

actually yeah, i told my T, whom i also have a huge crush on (not transference, even he doesn't think so) because actually, i started thinking those thoughts right after i was miserable from a session i had with him the previous day. i tell him everything, even when i first started thinking about him romantically, and everyone said it was transference, and i said no, they all said, either way, i should tell him and i did (he is a grad student, 1 or 2 years older than me, supervised, and he has never been in this situation with any other client) so anyways, yeah i told him about last week. see, he had told me that he and i could never be, he told me that before and i KNEW it, i know it, but don't want to accept it, cause everytime I like a guy, they either don't like me or are unnattainable in some way or another. so i don't want to accept that this is never gonna happen with my T. so he said it again, right before i started thinking of these things, it just hurt so much to hear him say it again, "you know this is never going to happen, right?" i cried almost all night at home and thought about hurting myself (but didn't), i also wished i were a drinker, to drown my sorrows in drink, but i'm not, and i didn't. so i think the whole sex focus was a way for me to let that pain out somehow, and the rape fantasy was about getting HURT, which i used to do to myself to get the emotional pain out. and since i didn't CUT, i wanted to get raped.
about that whole attention thing, you need to be sick or something wrong with you...my T actually mentioned something like that too, i forget the actual thing he mentioned but he did mention how my mother was not nurturing and how i felt in order to get attention, i felt i needed to be a victim, something like that.
yeah, you can email me too, i don't know how babble mail works, or if i even have it, but i'll check, and if you want to email me too, then definitely do! : )

*inimitable


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