Posted by llrrrpp on June 1, 2006, at 11:48:54
In reply to Re: Dear ME » llrrrpp, posted by fallsfall on May 31, 2006, at 8:52:55
Hi llrrrpp
welcome back.
thanks for indulging me, your dark voice. your crazy one. you've been ignoring me for almost a week. I've been yelling loudly, and you haven't even bothered to give me more than the time of day. Well, today I caught you! I captured your heart, and now I'm squeezing it and it hurts you. but you like it! you like the pressure! you like the narrowing of attention. you like to pick out the dead bird lying on the sidewalk. looking plump as in life, but with its beak pointed in the wrong direction, and its little twiggy legs askew. You like looking at the rusty safety pin in the dust by the sidewalk. Every day you walk past it, and one day, I will convince you to pick it up, and scratch your translucent wrists to indulge me. You like it when you plan something nice for yourself, like a skim vanilla latte on the way to work and then I come and interrupt your enjoyment of it. Doesn't it feel natural when I take away your appetite for life? Doesn't it feel natural when I make you want to put your head on your desk and weep? You and I work together so well. You keep a chipper face, and happy banter going. I ensure that the inside is dark and oozing and miserable. Together we're a team. I will take us to the finish line. You will distract the other team. And though the referee may see our advances, he might not be able to stop us, as long as we don't break any rules. We'll be honest with him. We'll take our pills. We'll tell him that we're doing the right things (which we are). But ha! sometimes doing the right things pushes us closer to the goal. you know why my goal is? right? it's to destroy us. To silence the positive voice, I will have to silence the entire being. Do you know where I came from? Of course you do! But you lie to yourself. You can't remember. But you know. Somewhere. Will the referree help you find out? Are you confident that you can ignore me into non-existence? If you don't remove me from my source, how do you know that I won't grow back? like a kudzu vine, clipped neatly (as long as you remember to) and the minute you're distracted, or stressed, I will grow back, stronger than ever, and suffocate you (happy voice) I will keep you around as long as you're useful to me, to keep up a semblance of your healthy self. To make sure you go to your appointments on time, to make sure people don't hospitalize us. Because I want us to have options. Are you stronger than me? Of course you're not. You feel bad for me, and you indulge me. You love me, because the darkness is seductive, and it makes you feel different and special. it makes you hurt, and you like to hurt. you like to be punished. you NEED me. If you deny me, then you deny your essential self. You can't feel smart to the outside unless you feel dumb on the inside. You can't feel pretty on the outside unless you feel like a hideous wretch on the inside. You can't feel like a success on the outside, unless it's balanced with failure on the inside. You can't voice optimism on the outside without listening to my pessimism on the inside. You can't see the light without the dark for contrast. I'm your contrast. I'm stronger. You love me, even as I hate you.
poster:llrrrpp
thread:650669
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/651460.html