Posted by happyflower on May 31, 2006, at 11:33:59
In reply to Happyflower-, posted by LadyBug on May 31, 2006, at 7:03:46
Thanks for remembering me Lady Bug, I just got home from my T. I am feeling a little out of it. It was tough. We started off talking about what I learned in Pschology about how child abuse can cause early puberty. We talked a lot about my early childhood and the neglect and abuse that I encountered. We talked about the happy memories that I have are with other people like teachers, and sitter, not my parents.
Then he asked about what happened the other week. He asked about me firing him, and I said I didn't fire him this time, I just gave up on myself. He told me I acted very badly, like I was trying to turn the fact he didn't have any appointments into a personal thing against him and me quiting was like me wanting to punish him. I said that I wasn't angry with him but very frusterated with him, I needed him when I had nobody else, and when I couldn't get an appointment or even talk to him, and when he did call back he seemed not to even care. Well if he thinks I was trying to make it personal against him, it explains his VERY PROFESSIONAL response to my emotional call. He thought I was talking sucidal for attention or to get back at him for him not being able to have a personal relationship with him. I wasn't thinking this at all, I just needed him to talk to me because I was feeling so bad. Well when I told him about what had happended before I called, (fight with my DH, a call from my aunt that my mom is threatening me, and my frequent nightmares of my mom trying to chase and kill me,and my thoughts of giving up on my life) and then getting the lack luster call back from him, made me really feel alone. He started to say that he can't be there for me all the time, he has vacations, etc,. Then I said well I would of called someone else if I had someone else to call. Well then it happened my eyes got all teared up (hasn't ever happended before)But I gained control of myself. He asked well what did I do to get out of it, I said I don't know, I just did. Well he said do you have a plan? I thought he meant on how I was going to kill myself, so I told him how, but what he meant was for protecting myself if I start feeling like that again. I told him over and over again , I probably wouldn't ever do it. So he left it as that.
After I started to tear up, it was interesting that he changed the subject and asked me about what class I was taking. I told him he didn't want to know. LOL He said yes he does! LOL When I told him psychology, he said, that usually is a very boring class. I told him my teacher is really making it fun and stuff. I talked about the funny stuff I am saying in class. Then I said I told you I was crazy. Then I said crazy in a good way, but also I guess I act crazy in a bad way too. Then he said well it isn't any fault of yours.
We talked a little about running and the race this Sat. I told him I am going to start a trend, I was going to at the end after I go through the tunnel I was goint to go streaking out onto the football field with call my therapist Dr. B written on my butt. LOL
So I guess things are okay with my T and I. I feel drained at the moment. I think my T knows how bad I am feeling. He even scheduled for next week and didn't ask me , normally he does every 2 weeks.
I think he was quite surprised I was thinking of ending my life for real, I even told him how I would do it, and it had nothing to do with testing him or punishing him it was all about how bad I was feeling at the time. His posture and facial expression really changed when I told how especially since that wasn't want he was asking me. I don't think I am sucidal right now, I got out of the hole and besides I don't think I would ever go through with it anyways. Well I am exhausted, I am going to try to get a nap. Maybe I will remember more later . Thanks for caring about me Ladybug.
poster:happyflower
thread:650856
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/650993.html