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Re: You know, it feels really bad » Dinah

Posted by gardenergirl on April 27, 2006, at 23:32:16

In reply to Re: You know, it feels really bad » frida, posted by Dinah on April 27, 2006, at 23:15:27

Dinah,
That's really an awful conflict to be in. It's easy to say that there are boundaries, and it's your decision, blah blah blah, but the history and the relationship between you two is not that simple anymore. At least it doesn't seem to be to me. And I think if he thinks it is, well, perhaps he's denying something that he doesn't want to see in himself?

Of course he doesn't want to feel as if he's influenced your decision. But heck, that's not going to prevent you from factoring that in, now is it? (I'm trying to inhibit myself from sending along a forehead flick to him to make him see that). And if you are in a situation where termination seems more likely, you deserve and I think need the opportunity to talk that through honestly. It really doesn't matter what he feels, he needs to be able to tolerate hearing what you feel and think. (Okay, I think the self-injury is a line to draw, but I'm guessing you were not feeling heard and/or understood by him at that moment. Maybe I'm wrong about that.)

I'm of course filtering this through my own experience with my T. But I know he would want me to tell him the things I think or worry or assume he might be thinking or not thinking. And he would be okay hearing them. And it would help. Or at least it usually does. It helps to sort out the projection from the reality, even if the projection might be hurt his feelings.

I guess I'm wondering if you worry about his feelings to the point that it might inhibit you at times, or if he is not so great at managing his feelings and reactions, or if it's some combination of the two. And of course, I don't mean that this dynamic I'm horribly trying to explain is there all the time.

Oh pooey. This is another one of the things where I really need to wave my hands a bit as I'm talking.

And I seem to be in a negative frame of mind recently. Sorry to be so negative about someone I know means a great deal to you.

(((((Dinah)))))) You mean a lot to me, though, and I wish you could have an easy and simple time of things for a bit. Darned life keeps getting more complicated. Pooey.

gg

 

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