Posted by Racer on March 29, 2006, at 17:53:23
After all, it's not as though I do anything...
Today has been pretty intense. Do any of you remember me saying my husband and I needed a new marriage counselor? I lied. Even if we were rapidly circling the drain, at least it wasn't nearly as intense as this new one is. (Yeh, I know, it really is better and I'm glad we made the move. It's just so frightening, and so painful.) Then, on to individual. And my husband's not happy about that, since I saw her already this week, and it's expensive. And I haven't sent in the claims forms for the insurance. More on that later...)
Anyway, tomorrow I go in for minor surgery. It's outpatient surgery, and it's so minor that it probably doesn't seem worth calling it surgery to most people, and my husband keeps telling me there's nothing to worry about, and all the rest. Guess what? To me, it's still a big deal. It's not a Big Huge Deal, nor even a Big Deal, but it's still a big deal. They're going to use general anesthesia, and while there won't be the paralyzing agents that they use for longer surgeries, they'll still have to "assist" my breathing. To me, that's a big deal. (And remember one of my best friends died during surgery last year, too.)
Today in the session with the MC, my husband was saying that he's had to go in late for work every day this week, and it's because of me -- first the doctor's appointment yesterday, then the MC appt today... Well, news flash: he goes in late every day. "Well, have you considered staying late to make it up?" Oh, see, he can't do that because of me. I'm so unreasonable as to request that we NOT eat dinner after 10PM. I wanted to say, "Damn it -- I'm scared, and feel as though you're turning your back on me when I need you." But, of course, kept my mouth shut, because I didn't want to sound so over-demanding. I wanted to ask, "Have you mentioned to your manager that your wife is having surgery, so this week you'll be in late because of that?" Didn't want to look nagging or controlling. Mostly, just didn't say any of it.
And you know what? I asked him to make some Jell-O for me, because that's one of the few things I can eat today.
The surgical center called yesterday, and they just assumed that he would be there with me, waiting. The nurse even said that they really don't want me waiting around for him to come pick me up. But you know what else? I strongly suspect that he's just going to assume that, since it's nothing major, I'll just do everything myself after. He does know that he has to pick me up -- the surgical center won't allow me to take a taxi, even -- and probably figures he won't be able to go back to work after. Wonder if he's figuring on me cooking dinner for us?
But I am feeling very much boxed in. That he's talking about only considering my needs, when from my perspective, he's not considering them at all -- I feel as though I'm stuck, that the only thing I *can* do to make things better is to have fewer, less insistent needs. Which puts me kinda where I tend to live my life: trying to work it all out myself, because there's no place for me to turn.
That theme is even playing out in my math class right now. Lousy teacher, so I'm working out what and how and why on my own -- though Fallsfall helped me with some of it, thank you Falls -- and while there is an element of "you always have to get to understand it on your own," there's still supposed to be some reason for the instructor to be there besides just assigning and collecting homework.
{sigh} That's it. I'm going to go nap on the sofa.
Except that first I have to replace the halogen bulb in the light over our dining room table. Hubby won't, because I'm "so much better at figuring that out" etc. Plus, he's afraid of heights, and I'm "so much braver." No matter that I'm afraid of heights, too. For that matter, here after all these years of complaining that I never let him know how I'm feeling, I finally do make sure to make it clear -- I'm nervous about tomorrow -- it doesn't matter, except that I get told I "shouldn't" be.
poster:Racer
thread:626253
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060325/msgs/626253.html