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Re: tranference or real feelings? pegasus

Posted by wishingstar on March 11, 2006, at 20:51:08

In reply to Re: tranference or real feelings?, posted by pegasus on March 10, 2006, at 21:59:09

Yes.. you're right. Thank you. It does make me feel just as unheard as before. We did talk about it for a bit and she gave me a chance to describe why I felt that way, but in the end, I knew she still didnt get it and nothing is going to change. We have a very similar conversation almost every week, and almsot every week I feel like it has really clicked for her.. but then the next week, we're back at the same old place. Maybe she has a bad memory? Haha I dont know.

When I first read the last sentence (asking what I want her to hear) I felt like crying. Not because I mind you asking.. but because thats really all I need her to say. It feels like I tell her EXACTLY what I need (like, "ive noticed that when you use these specific feeling words, it hits the emotional level for me") but she doesnt hear it.

I dont know if theres one particlar thing I want her to hear. I want her to know that I'm not doing okay right now. I feel into a pretty deep depression a few months ago (not the first time) and was cutting myself and very suicidal, all of which I told her.. but I'm afraid she thinks I'm exagerrating or something. Once about a year ago I mentioned feeling suicidal and she gave me her home phone number. This time, she doesnt even bring it up ever again. Rather, we end up talking about stress with school or some memory from when I was a kid or something else that is just not part of the big picture for me right now. Often, I'm not even really mentally with her during these conversations (I've told her this). But anyway, I dont expect her home number just because I'm feeling bad (it was a nice surprise) but I do expect her to ask, especially when she knows it was so hard for me to say to begin with.. maybe I expect too much? When I first mentioned feeling suicidal, she just said "but is that what you really want?" The therapist in me (im training) says well no, of course not.. its not logical.. but the emotional person in me says YES. I want her to validate how bad I'm feeling.

I want to tell her that I'm afraid that I cant do it anymore. I'm not feeling so desperately suicidal anymore, which is great.. but I'm still feeling totally helpless and worthless. I hate myself so much sometimes. I just want to scream "I give up!" And I want her to know how very, very scary it is for me to trust anyone at all. I just need someone to care about me so badly.

Shes probably right that part of it is transference. I KNOW she cares about me and is listening. I wonder if I'm expecting too much? All it would really take, I think, is for her to ask me later how I'm doing about something that was tough for me to talk about, or even a statement like "i know thats really hard" or "that sounds really painful." Thats it. I must not be speaking english when I say that to her!

People have mentioned to me before that I should switch Ts.. I dont know. It took me a year to even talk openly with her like I do, and shes making a special financial deal with me that I doubt I'd get anywhere else (no insurance). I know she cares about me.. I just dont think I have it in my to leave her right now. I read just today a passage talking about how a patient has to be ready to take the next step, but when they are, the therapist has to meet them half way.. I guess thats where the problem is. I dont think shes meeting me half way. And I just cant take that leap. Maybe thats my problem.

Sorry for such a long post. thanks for your interest.. I really appreciate it.




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