Posted by Tamar on February 23, 2006, at 19:06:21
Well… After much reading on this board, it seems to make sense to me to conceive of myself as multiple. The inside kids are very much me, but at the same time they’re not 36 year-old mother-of-three full-time-university-teacher Tamar.
There’s the 13 year-old. She’s the one who doesn’t feel ready for sex with my husband (and who can blame her?). She has a huge crush on my therapist, and I tease her about it: I say “What if he took off his shirt?” and she screams and covers her face with her hands. On one level she wants my therapist physically and sexually, but for her to want someone sexually means to want to talk to him about sex and maybe to hold his hand. She wants his permission to enjoy her sexuality and to become an adult, but she doesn’t want an adult sexual relationship with him. In a way, she wants him as a father-figure.
Then there’s the 18 year-old. She also wants my therapist, but she wants to conquer him. She wants to seduce him so that she will feel less disempowered. She’s very angry and very wary of people and believes she’s immortal and invincible. She wants a father-figure who can comfort her but she wouldn’t believe anyone who offered her that kind of love.
And there’s also an eight year-old. This one is curled up in a corner and not communicating at the moment. Also, s/he identifies as a boy.
And then there’s me. I don’t want my therapist the way the 13 year-old and the 18 year-old want him. I understand their desire for a father-figure, and for an attractive man they can trust to show them what they want and need to know. I’m attracted to my therapist but I don’t want him as urgently as the inside kids. I’m pretty happy to look at him from a distance. But I share their desire for a father-figure and sometimes I want him to comfort me like a father should comfort his daughter. And I still don’t understand what’s going on with the eight year-old.
If I tell my therapist all this, will he think I’m crazy?
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:612615
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060211/msgs/612615.html