Posted by asmita on February 18, 2006, at 17:15:05
In reply to To Asmita, posted by zebracrossing on February 17, 2006, at 1:15:10
zebracrossing, did you really tell your T about everything in the end? can you get arrested for that kind of stuff (at least if you're in america...)? sounds like you were/are really obsessed with the guy... so it might be worth talking about to a T, even if it's not the same one. i agree that to a certain extent a T should be a blank canvas...but that's never really possible is it? i had a female T for some time a while ago, and it was so very different from what's going on now. just the presence of the T him/herself, even if they don't talk much and don't tell you about their lives, will influence how you're going to feel during the sessions and what you're gonna talk about...
sometimes i wish i had only googled my T, not gone beyond that. i don't know where the line should be drawn. on the other hand, how am i supposed to trust someone i know nothing about? maybe it's good that i know a little more about him, also so that i don't idealise him too much. but i still feel guilty and a little crazy for doing it. since i now know vaguely where he lives, i often think about going there hoping i'll bump into him. it scares me that i'm even thinking that, knowing that if i think it a lot eventually i'll do it, and if i do it once i'll do it again...etc.
i think this whole obsession i have for my T is only making me feel more lonely. just thinking about my T is so addictive, but sometimes i catch myself at it and realise how sad it is. i can want him as much as i want but i'll probably never have him...and all i'm left doing is staring at my computer screen trying to make some kind of connection with a stranger who probably couldn't care less outside of office hours.