Posted by asmita on February 15, 2006, at 6:11:42
i posted a while back about my feelings for my 'T'... thanks everyone for your kind replies and advice, and sorry i didn't have time to reply to everyone individually.
well this is just a little update on my situation... needless to say i have not yet gotten as far as to tell my T about my feelings... i keep hoping i'll be able to stop feeling this way so i'll never have to bring it up! i guess that's why i went snooping online... trying to find a reason to stop thinking about him. since i didn't really know anything about him before, it was easy to make him into this perfect being in my mind. so, i did find some info about him... things that really diminish any possibilities of him ever wanting to be with me in any way and even vice-versa. but now, i'm just confused! my last session with him was so nice, he said some really sweet things...damn him! just as i thought i was done with him.... i've promised myself not to go looking for any more info... it seems to just make matters worse because i find myself thinking about those things i know about him that i'm not supposed to know, during my sessions... which is totally distracting me from what i'm supposed to be thinking about, ie. my own feelings, problems etc. so yes the elephant in the room (as someone here put it) just keeps getting bigger...
so i was wondering if anyone else ever googled their T's name...admit it......
oh, and he did bring up transference one time... i was already having paranoid thoughts... has he figured me out? is it just blatantly obvious that i like him so much? but thank god, he didn't go there... it was just in relation to me feeling like he can't really even be bothered with me and doesn't care. so we talked about that a bit.
anyway...i do feel a bit more positive now about the whole therapy thing... partly thanks to all of you who replied to my last post. i think it will just take some time for me to open up and trust him. and all the while i'm writing this, i'm so scared he's going to find it and figure out that it's me! i know the chances of that happening are minimal...but still...that's why i'm being a bit vague sometimes.
anyway, if you have any stories to share, post here...i look forward to reading them.