Posted by James K on February 13, 2006, at 13:36:06
Don't read this please. It's a free world, but why put yourself in my head? I just need to free associate for a couple of minutes. I just reread this again. Don't take it seriously. I had bad feelings and they came out because I'm stressed. The background is the logistics and likelihood of entering a psychiatric hospital. By many standards it would be proper. And to the several who've made their feelings clear to me on this, I apologize for wavering and going over the same issues once again. I'm not looking for reassurance, just personal perspective.
3 times in the last 3 weeks, I said enough. Help me. 3 times I got the run around. I have insurance. I've done the things that show they can take me. Now I don't want to anymore. It's such short window. When I say okay, they have to believe me. Do they think I'm alright? do they think I ask for help for the hell of it? I don't ask anybody for anything. It hurts me to say I can't do this. If a tear runs down my face today, I out the door, and I am raging. The nice Vietnamese lady at the liqour store never says call me tomorrow. She never say "I'm out of whiskey today" "We don't have any help for you" she says "Enjoy your afternoon." she will sell me cigarellos and pocket bottles and If I spend more than 10 dollars, she will let me use a credit card. I'm so sick of this house. I'm so sick. I'm not going to physical doctor tomorrow. I'll go to eye doctor wednesday and get final okay on my sight. I'm not paying for anymore prescriptions. I'll through away all that repirdal and seroquel and taper out the welbutrin xl, then the welbutrin sr, and break the lamictals in half. and take my last klonopins, and I'll just walk. I can walk all day. The sun will feel good. Being tired will feel good. I wish my wife would go spend a week on vacation, and someone would come take care of the cats and I could just walk all day and night. I have a jacket if it gets cold at night. I don't eat much. I have expensive shoes for people who spend all day working at retail. My feet can hold up to anything. I want somebody to step in front of me and bump into me. I want somebody to say "Hey white boy to me" Or "let me see some i.d." I want to walk into places and look everybody in the face.
I asked for help. I did my part. I'm not going to crawl not for them. We can have a contest will the bones in my hands splinter before the bones in your face. I can't stand these emotions anymore. I'm going back to the ones that make sense.
I'm not going to do anything. I'll just keep waiting for something that will never happen. Last night I thought maybe I'll try dbt while I'm there. They didn't give me a chance last time. If someone rushes you, and your knee misses, you can lay on your back and hold their head against your chest and put your legs behind their back and hold them there while you thumb their eyes and pull his ears and try to get an arm. It is just as easy to punch him in the eye from the ground. just don't let him drop an elbow on you. If you sprawl, and make him miss the shoot, you can do whatever you want to him. Hard to soft, Soft to hard.
I don't want this for me. I want somebody to say it doesn't have to go around in my head all day. I don't have to see black. I can stop the pictures but I cant turn off the voice. I can see this screen ican see out the window, My wife is in my periphial vision. Music is right in front of me. I'm typing as fast as I can. I'm almost numb, when I'm on welbutrin, I cant get numb. I can't sleep anymore in the day. I can barely sleep at night. Please leave me alone.
If I said I want to go in the hospital and I was covered in blood and an abulance picked me up off of the street, and they told me to go home? What else was I supposed to do? Keep fighting? That was my last fight. I surrended. I used a deadly weapon and won. I gave away my little knife, all I have left is the big one.
If I put this on the net, someone may be negatively influenced. Someone else may say I'm sick of his BS. tell me something I don't know. Where am I supposed to tell it. I wrote my whole history for my last non hospital pdoc and she said not sure what you have yet here's 10 days of what you're on. 150 dollars for 10 days meds. Why did I mail you my whhole f*cking history and psych records a week ahead? I don't need to read david burns feeling good. My last nonhospital therapissed. I now say stop saying such mean things you've rerouted your brain receptors so now reroute them. I'm great. I'm the king of the universe. That's grandiose, no it's positive, you're a liar, that's an urealistic bad self talk, but it was a lie, ergo, I am a liar. I will fail. why would you say that. All fail, then arent' you all? why are you special. I'm not special then. That's negative self talk. So's that. So was that. Write it down. Can it be used against me in a court of law? Why would it? because If I keep arguing with the voices in my heard, I may too busy to act like a decent person.
All this because I'm too scared to make a phone call and get rejected for the fourth time. And I hate it in those places, so why is it so hard to get in? If I wanted that bad, I wouldn't need it. I havent suffered enough. I should go suffer some more. Dead is too low of a bottom.
I just reread this. I'm not sure if I'm making things up. I'm sorry. I'm melodramatic. it's not that big of a deal, I'm just having a hard time making up my mind.