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Re: Googling my current T--more triggers Poet

Posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 15:07:38

In reply to Re: Googling my current T--more triggers crushedout, posted by Poet on January 28, 2006, at 11:37:25

> I think maybe your googling T2 and feeling reassurance is because you feel an emotional connection that is still strong. I think when you googled T1, what you felt was a broken connection and that just caused you to feel the pain of the ended relationship.


That's really interesting because it's kind of the exact opposite of what I thought. I thought that I found the lack of, um, connection--I'm not sure if that's the right word--to T2 reassuring. Or the lack of pain when I think about the relationships she has with other people in her life. It doesn't hurt me, but it intrigues me. So it feels soothing to think about it, especially after what I've been through the past 24 hours.

Does that make sense? But your theory makes a lot of sense also and maybe they're both true.

All I know is that I feel like I've been sent backwards to about two years ago, but with a bunch of other sh*t heaped on top of it and it seems to hurt more than anything I've felt before. I guess one of the craziest things about it was how out of the blue it seemed. Like, I was kind of plodding along, wistful and sad but still fairly functional and content for me, and then--BAM! This.

I keep wishing someone would punch me in the face, just beat me black and blue. Maybe to distract me from my emotional pain? Or to make it visible and concrete? That's the only thing that appeals to me now.

I didn't sleep at all last night and I cried for hours, but I'm still in the process of helping my friend move right now. It's a beautiful day and we had lunch in the park right after picking up the truck. I know I'll get through this. There is still beauty in life--I can almost see it through my haze. And suicide is simply not an option. Neither is beating my head against the wall. So moving seemed like as good an idea as any.

Sorry, I'm rambling. I guess I need to get some of this out.




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